How are we only 14th in Best Global Universities ranking?

US News just released the definitive 2016 rankings of the 750 best universities across the globe based on their “academic research performance and their global and regional reputations” – and we tied with Penn for 14th.

Harvard was first, followed by MIT, Berkeley, Stanford and Oxford in the top five.

But where’s Yale??

… Oh

I know what you’re thinking – what the what? How did U. Chicago, the place fun goes to die, beat us to the top ten?

Let’s break it down. The universities are basically being ranked by how much scientific research their professors and grad students churn out.

There is not a single factor considering the liberal arts, classroom experience, or undergrad accessibility to research opportunities.

There’s also nothing about campus life – quality of food, hotness of the student body, ease of access to alcohol, etc – which we all know matters a lot more. And which we all know Yale does best.

Hotness of the student body

So look, if you want to go to a grad school where you’ll learn to write a peer reviewed study on The Interrelationship of the Pituitary Sex Hormones in Ovulation, Corpus Luteum Formation, and Corpus Luteum Secretion in the Hypophysectomized Rabbit, Harvard is probably the place for you.

If you want to actually have sex, come to Yale.