Cyc Fitness isn’t a cult, we’re a family

Who here has seen Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?

I think you will all be happy to hear that I have found the real-life version of the cult cycling studio Kimmy and Jacqueline go to, and its name is Cyc Fitness. Instead of the zen-vibe SpiritCycle offers, Cyc Fitness is a nightclub for all your fitness needs. And I’m happy to say that I’m not planning on leaving this cult anytime soon.

Cyc Fitness is everything a UW-Madison student wants: the cycling caters to this city’s love of biking, the nightclub atmosphere accurately captures our party school vibe, and the kick-ass workouts speak to our “work hard, play hard” mentality. The only thing missing is the booze, but trust me, your endorphin high after that first ride is – dare I say it – better than Power Hour at the Nitty.

You’re not an official member of the Cyc Fitness cult until you take a class with the creator himself: Keoni!

I started going to Cyc this last summer, figuring I should finally use that free pass I got during freshmen-palooza at the bookstore. I walked in, feeling a little intimidated – I heard that you die after your first class, and I was no longer the athlete I was in high school. Just when I wanted to back out, I saw my Cyc instructor: I guess I could stick around, I thought, if I die, I can just sit down and stare at this beautiful man. I really can’t lose here.

I strapped on my special cycling shoes, said a little prayer, and walked into the dark room. This is not a typical work out studio, and here’s why: the room was thumping with Chainsmokers, and a laser light show was casually happening. TG I picked a bike with a perfect view of this cyc-ologist (the aptly named instructors here at Cyc Fitness. Oh the puns) and I made the incredibly smart decision to use one pound weights for my first class.

Before I tell you how much I died, I invite you to enroll in my CYC 101 class: Cult Slang and Advice for Cyc-cess

Some words you should know before you get started:

Saddle: your seat. It’s a horse, I guess. I never had a bike growing up, so I don’t know if real bike riders call their seats “saddles,” but good to know anyway.

Tap back: when you hit your butt on the saddle (if you missed my definition of saddle, then you need to take better notes) and pop right back up into a standing position. Quite fun, in my opinion.

Isolations: hell. You have to keep your upper body still while your legs move at warp speed. It makes for a killer booty, but a really painful first experience.

Gears: these are the different places you can put your hands. There are five of them, the fifth one is hardly used. I like to stick between two and three, just to switch things up.

Traveling the Gears: when you put your hands in four of the five gear positions for eight counts, not sitting down. Just wait until you actually have to do it, it is much harder than you’d think.

Before you go yourself, I have a couple pieces of advice:

1.  You need water. Don’t be a hero.
2. If you eat less than an hour before, you will throw up. I’ve seen it happen.
3. If you fall down the stairs after the first ride, don’t feel bad. My best friend ate it because her legs gave out.
4. You will be addicted after the first ride, so make sure your bank account can support your new vice.

Back to my experience: I died.  I was so dead-tired afterwards, but it was so worth it. The motivation that the cycologists give you is incredible, and I’ve pushed myself harder in that class than I ever have before.  I’ve been going back every week since, totally buying into the cult culture.  Here, we don’t call it a cult per sé: we call it a family.