How to spot a Madison fuckboy
A comprehensive guide to avoiding those boys who are not worth your time
While discussing our love lives over dinner, my roommates and I came to a very valuable conclusion: I have fallen prey to the infamous fuckboys. While my roommates are in satisfying relationships – one of them for five years – I am trying to start serious relationships with boys who are not worth my time. Instead of listening to them when I start seeing “this really nice boy,” I chug along and get hurt, even though all the warning signs are there.
“But Shan, how can you tell they are fuckboys?” I can’t. I’m really awful at it. However, I have come up with a comprehensive look at the Madison Fuckboy, and how you can avoid them.
Some very obvious markers of a fuckboy is the way that he dresses or holds himself
If he puts more effort into his appearance than you do on a night out, he may be a fuckboy. For example, on a really nice night out I will take about an hour to get ready – if a guy takes longer than that, I tend to steer clear. Also, if he wears sunglasses inside, wears tight polos exclusively and wears a Yankees snapback, he is a grade A tool.
If he wears sunglasses inside and uses Chapstick all the time, he needs to check himself
Let’s talk about the fuckboy’s favorite things
If he loves his mode of transportation more than you (and I’m not just talking about a really nice car; this can be anything from a crotch rocket to a bike), he will not be the guy to put you first. I once came third in a line-up of my ex-boyfriend’s favorite things: his motorcycle and a cut-out of a Dallas cheerleader both came before me. If you find yourself in a similar predicament, then you should rethink his placement in your life.
Some of his other favorites include the Kollege Klub, sorority socials, his shirtless selfies and his meticulously planned workout attire. This guy will spend more time taking pictures of the gym and his “swoll muscles” than actually working out. His hobbies will include “gains, hanging with bros and being successful,” and he thoroughly enjoys taking pictures with every hot girl he sees. These pictures can make him seem like a ladies’ man or attractive, but once you get him alone, you’ll notice he has eyes for every breathing girl.
All of these can be yellow flags, the “proceed with caution” signs of a potential fuckboy. If he has any of the above qualities, he could still be a nice guy at heart. It’s the red flags that you need to worry about.
If he “accidentally” snapchats you. All. The. Time.
He’s trying to start a conversation with a cop-out in case you get boring or he loses interest. He’s just looking to fuel his ego or get lucky. Unless you’re illiterate or you just don’t remember my name, you are not accidentally sending me pictures.
If he sends you snapchats like this, you may want to block him
If he asks if you have a Tinder in person
Why wouldn’t he just ask you for your phone number? Or talk to you now? He wants to know that he has a chance to hook-up with you if he swipes right. That does not sound like relationship material to me.
He tells you that he “doesn’t usually do this” or that he “doesn’t want labels”
If he feels the need to tell you that he doesn’t “do” whatever it is, chances are he does it. A lot. I’m not sure why guys do this, or why they think girls would find that attractive, but they need to stop. Also, if he says that he “doesn’t want labels,” it’s because he thinks he can find someone better, but wants to keep you around until he does. Don’t fall for this, ladies.
When his friends ask why you guys are fighting, he says it’s because you’re crazy
I once got the crazy card because I tried helping my ex apply for a college he wanted to go to. You’re right, that’s totally psychotic, I deeply apologize.
And lastly, my favorite (and completely truthful) red flag:
He can’t meet your parents for dinner because he “just opened a beer”
I hope this guide will help others like me say adios to all those men in our lives who aren’t worth our time.
A special thanks to my friend Zach for posing for these pictures. He’s not a fuckboy, so if you see him on campus, don’t hassle him