A look inside being gay at UVA

What’s it actually like being gay at UVA?

I asked a couple of students with diverse experiences to find out.

Andrew A., identifies as a gay male

What’s gay culture like at UVA?

I think it’s important to note that since I came to college already comfortable in my sexuality, I haven’t had any of the negative experiences that closeted guys might experience or be afraid of. No one seems to care.

But I would say gay culture is incredibly mixed. You have a lot of guys that are in the closet and use gay hookup apps very anonymously. Then you have the group that is out or OK with people knowing, but not super outspoken about it. Finally, you have the more active people and their allies in the Queer Student Union.

The amount of closeted people seems high, like people who I’ve encountered on Grindr would not want to show me their faces or would tell me not to tell anyone about them, so maybe gay culture isn’t as welcoming after all and the closet is the safest space for some people. Another aspect of gay culture is the ubiquity of gay hookup apps – I feel like everyone who’s single is on them.

What are some stigmas surrounding being gay at UVA?

There is a stigma surrounding femininity. In my experience, even openly gay people feel weird about some other gays that are extremely feminine or do drag or whatever. So I think there’s still this stigma toward feminine gay people, like gay is fine, as long as it’s not too flashy.

Is dating or hooking up harder?

The hookup culture is not in my experience any more difficult than that among straight people, except for the fact that there are fewer gays around. Pretty much everyone is on gay hookup apps and hooking up is very common – so common in fact that people hookup with people their friends have hooked up with.

The gay community becomes kind of “incestuous” in that way. Basically, if someone is talking to you about a gay guy, you either knew him because you hooked up with him or because someone you know has hooked up with him.

How would you sum up your experience being gay at UVA in one word?

Innocuous.

Araba D., identifies as a bisexual woman

How would you sum up your experience being gay at UVA in one word?

Lonely.

Have you ever been mistreated or felt unsafe because of your sexuality?

I’ve had the privilege of pretty much being left alone with regard to my sexuality, but I feel like that’s mostly because being bi is a pretty stealthy identity. That’s not to say I’m not out – I’ve never hidden who I am – but in such a heteronormative culture, both UVA and at large, if I’m not with a woman people will automatically assume I’m straight.

What’s gay culture like at UVA?

I would say almost nonexistent. One of my friends made a good point that at more liberal, arts-centric schools, the queer kids are the cool kids. Here, it’s like they’re in hiding, and they’re hard to find. Add being bisexual to that, where you’re never really invited to the queer kids club, and it’s a constant search for people that are like you.

Worse still, being black and queer is difficult because much of negotiating one’s identity at this school involves essentially picking one cause and sticking with it (i.e. if you’re black, be in BSA and advocate against the policing of black bodies, if you’re queer, volunteer in the LGBTQ+ Center – it’s all very stay in your lane). Saying I’m going to be a dark-skinned, queer, feminist person of color is a bit much for the compartmentalization that’s so necessary to most people who navigate UVA.

Is dating or hooking up harder as a gay woman?

Oh, definitely – mainly because of the aforementioned reason of not knowing where all the gay people are at. Additionally though, there’s the factor, being bi, of having people question, “What you are.” I always feel self-conscious about dating women because I don’t know who, whether queer or straight, will call me fake or greedy.

Anything else you want people to know?

Never assume someone’s sexuality. Ever. It’s harmful, especially to people who are still figuring it out themselves. For the longest time I didn’t know I was bi because people kept telling me I wasn’t, and feeling that internal pressure in conjunction with the external is excruciating.

Lucas W., identifies as a queer male

What’s gay culture like at UVA?

Stifled. It’s stifled. There’s shame of our culture. It’s a whitewashed, heteronormative, celebration of those with passing privilege. Passing privilege is the privilege ascribed to an individual who appears heterosexual to the general public, a person who’s assumed to be straight.

Femininity is associated with gay culture. My impression is that if I want gay culture, I’m only going to get it from gay women. I have gotten the most out of my culture out of conversations with Ms. Kathy and the women at Starbucks than anyone else. Gay men do not camp.

I have found communities but the communities of queer people that I’ve accessed have not been in queer designated spaces.

Have you ever been mistreated or felt unsafe because of your sexuality?

Yes. All I will say is that I have been at UVA for one semester where slurs have been used clearly targeting me based on my femininity and the assumption of my sexuality.

Is dating or hooking up harder as a gay man?

Yes. I literally cannot locate people that I am attracted to or are attracted to me based on their identity. The chances of me meeting a boy in class or bumping into a guy at a bar, unless I go to a specific place dedicated to me, are slim. I’m not going to bump into someone that I’m going to hook up with at Boylan.

Anything else you’d like people to know?

I have had extremely positive and extremely negative experiences based on my femininity and sexuality here. Just because I haven’t found a space for me doesn’t mean that other people haven’t found spaces or that I won’t find one.

Zoe P., identifies as a queer woman

Have you ever been mistreated or felt unsafe because of your sexuality?

Not so much on grounds, but I have been cat-called by men on the Corner or downtown when I am holding hands with my girlfriend. The comment that sparked the most discussion between us was when a guy said, “Your girlfriend is really pretty,” and we spent 10 minutes trying to decide which one of us he was talking to. But don’t get me wrong. As flattering as that may sound, it’s pretty much just creepy.

What’s gay culture like at UVA?

I don’t think there’s a good way to answer this question. There’s the community associated with the LGBTQ Center, which overlaps a lot with people involved with QSU and SOR, but there are also so many queer people who aren’t involved with these groups. I’ve made queer friends in places as diverse as a poetry class, a sorority, and my Sustained Dialogue group. There really isn’t a cohesive community. We’re all just people, and we have our own interests, so you can find us anywhere.

Is dating or hooking up harder as a gay woman?

I think the hardest part for me, since I already have a girlfriend, is the way people talk about my relationship. A lot of people ignore it as much as possible, with the occasional overly-enthusiastic “so how is your girlfriend?” The other side of that is people asking way too many questions, with the intent to show how totally okay they are with the fact that I’m dating another woman.

What are some stigmas surrounding being gay at UVA?

The biggest assumption I have encountered is that if you are gay it is either the central focus of everything you do, or something you completely ignore. It really surprises a lot of people when they see the rainbow pin on my backpack right next to my sorority button. I am fairly active in the university-affiliated LGBTQ community, and I am also active in my sorority. Those are my two biggest extracurricular time commitments, and people in both groups often seem surprised when I have to turn down an invitation from one to go to an event for the other.

Anything else you’d like people to know?

One thing I think is really important to realize is that my experience doesn’t speak for every queer woman at UVA. I have had a pretty easy time being gay here, but my perspective is one of privilege. I’m white, I’m traditionally feminine, my family is supportive, and I am able to choose to spend the majority of my time with people who are nice to me.

Not everyone is that lucky, and the people who have a harder time may not be in a position to write about their experience in a public forum.

The people you see publishing their stories are the ones who are safe, and relatively happy. Don’t forget the stories of the people who are too afraid to share.