What it’s like to be a fourth year

It’s that last semester before many of us will walk down the steps of the Rotunda. It seems like you’re about to accomplish something great, something so real – but you have to wait.

You have to spend the next few months caring about your classes, and meeting up with everybody, because you have no idea when you’ll see them again in life. Everything is getting so real. You’re looking for jobs, or waiting to hear back from graduate schools, because you’re afraid of taking a break in life, and you need to be able to stand on your own feet.

In terms of the emotions you go through, they’re very complicated.Especially since there isn’t really one way to describe the feelings that encompass the word “graduation.” You’re upset, but you’re relieved. You’re proud, but understand that you have yet so much to accomplish.

Sometimes you’re focused on that one essay or exam, and it feels just like any other semester. Sometimes, though, it feels like the uncertainty weighs down on you. You have no idea what is going to happen to you after May, and it’s a frightening thought. No matter what your parents or friends say to encourage you, the conflicting feelings stick.

In fact, the interactions you have with others change as well. You’re more likely to want to be a little more social. Anyone you meet at this late stage is probably intimidated by the thought of interacting with a “senior”, or just doesn’t really engage with you because you’re essentially about to be kicked out the door. There are also those people to whom you grow close. The bittersweet feeling of having to detach so quickly after having developed a solid bond is inevitable.

Truth be told, it starts hitting you when you have to pick up your cap and gown. Those simple garments signify the end of one stage in your life, one that will take you to places you could never imagine.

At the same time, in the grander scheme of things, it is probably not the end of the world. Politics are still bullshit, we’re still fighting diseases, and global warming/poverty are still a thing. The rest of the Earth is still doing its thing, because it does not revolve around you.

And now, while writing this, I’m thinking about all the other assignments and tasks I could have been doing instead. To those who may be thinking that the fourth semester is chill, that is a complete fallacy (at least in my case).

Apart from the heavy workload, maybe even theses, there is an emotional and psychological burden that comes with being in your last semester. You should be so grateful to have had the opportunity to attend such a grand institution.

What do you mean I can’t sit in the student section anymore?

At the same time, the uncertainty sometimes pulls you down. With all the work, you barely have time for that introspection that can be extremely healing. There is hardly any room for you to THINK. You have to do x, y, and z, and do it all as quick as possible so that you finish your semester and hopefully land a great gig.

To those who are not fourth years, it’s perhaps best to say that you can’t prepare for fourth year. You can fill out all the applications you want, have perfect grades, and continuously resist the urge to watch Netflix, but you’ll never really be ready for the way you feel. For every fourth year, these mixed emotions need not be expressed – we’re all in the same pool.

Just know that even though you might soon be so confused as to what you’ll be doing after you graduate, everything is going to be OK. I’m a firm believer in the notion that things happen for a reason.

If you don’t get that one job, or if you get rejected from a school, it’s because you were never meant to be there. Breathe. Like everything else in life, it is a PHASE. Soon you’ll find yourself doing something great, and hopefully making the world a more livable place.

You may no longer talk to your friends every day, and you may move somewhere far away. But it’s OK. At least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself.