What to get your crush/hookup/undefined person for Christmas

Christmas shopping is a difficult endeavor even when you’re shopping for someone you’ve known your whole life (Sorry for the pot holders, Mom). Buying the perfect gift only gets harder as the relationship of you and the recipient gets blurrier and blurrier.

So I’ve decided to help everyone out and compile the perfect holiday gift guide for every ambiguous relationship in your life.

The One Night Stand

Maybe you don’t have any intention of seeing the person who woke up in your bed and stayed until 1pm ever again, but hoo knows, you might have class together or end up working as consultants in New York together.

So, you should go ahead and get them something that says “Hey, we touched each other naked one time, so I got you something to make it not awkward.” Or maybe that will make it awkward, I don’t know. I’m not pretending to be a relationship expert here.*

Buy them a pair of socks or underwear to replace the pair they probably left at your place after you rushed them to get the hell out. If you’re feeling generous buy them a nice pair of festive socks. Or just a Hanes 10-pair pack. You do you.

*I realize I kind of am pretending to be a relationship expert here.

The Casual Hookup

You guys manage to hook up without fail once every two weeks or so. It’s never planned or premeditated – it just happens. You don’t ignore each other when you run into one another on grounds, but you also don’t meet up at noon to get lunch.

You’re not exactly friends with benefits, but you’re also not exactly booty calls. You just kind of like to hook up and not make a big deal about it, okay? So go ahead and buy a gift card to your breakfast place of choice. Whether it’s Bodo’s or McDonald’s, this way you can share in the gift and also get breakfast instead of a walk of shame.

The Booty Call

What your booty call looks like in the light of day.

This one can be difficult. You don’t want to ruin the sweet balance of the perfect booty call that you have struck with this person.

There is an art to the booty call. Whether you want to spend the night partying with your friends and then divinely end up with someone to warm your bed or your booty call is like “Sloth” from the Goonies but with magical sex powers, you don’t want to give a gift and have this person think they’ve earned some kind of promotion.

So keep it very impersonal, donate to a charity in their name with a postscript of “let’s bone.” Simple, to the point, and you’re doing some good.

The Ex-Hookup, Now Friend

What do you give the guy you’re friends with but once hooked up with? Buying something might be too much – it could give the impression you want to rekindle whatever you had.

So give them back all the clothes you’ve stolen from them from your many sleepovers. Yep, all of the great flannels, boxers and sweatshirts you’ve collected need to make their way back to their rightful owner. If you’re not feeling that generous, just give them one item back and claim it’s all you have left, you swear.

My booty from gettin’ booty

The Friend With Benefits

You guys order cheesy bread while you hook up (knowing that College Inn’s delivery time is a perfect 45 minutes) and maybe play GTA V post-coital as well. There’s nothing awkward about y’all’s interactions, which is awesome!

Get them something funny, not sappy, and keep on keeping on with the sweet set up y’all both have managed to create for yourselves. That is until one of you catches the feels.

My suggestion is a squatty potty. Minimize your time in his bathroom when you’ve got do a #2, so he doesn’t have a clue what you’re really up to. Go ahead and spring for some double-ply Charmin while you’re at it. You’re worth it.

The actual boyfriend/girlfriend

Why the hell are you doing reading my terrible gift guide for ideas? Go buy something nice that you know your partner will enjoy, ya filthy animal.