If the Wikipedia UVA football coaches were real

In the wake of Mike London’s resignation from UVA’s Head Football Coach, the Wikipedia page for UVA Football has fallen victim to some trolls.

It turns out, since London’s resignation only a couple of days ago, UVA has already cycled through a couple of choices for the new head coach.

I decided to look into these potential candidates and determine what UVA Football would look like under different direction.

Ron Swanson

Of all the faux coaches to make an appearance on Wikipedia, Ron Swanson is arguably the best choice for the job. He’s a no-nonsense kind of guy who appreciates a good work ethic above all else.

Of course, there would be some changes made under this new libertarian stewardship. For one thing, all of the footballs would be handmade. That way, none of the pig goes to waste, and the football team can eat all the bacon they want.

Under Coach Swanson, we probably wouldn’t be running it up the middle, because the middle is for pansies and Tammies. Instead, we’d learn woodwork, fishing and hunting before being deemed ready to take the field. All of the building blocks for success, really.

There might be some problems with our boys – I mean, men – being drunk on scotch during the games, but that’s all part of the plan. Don’t question it, you commie.

Angeline Jolie

I’m sorry, our stadium has a capacity of 61 million?

Angelina would start by adopting the entire team. Despite the players repeatedly telling her they are all over the age of 18 with loving parents, this is the only way she knows how to bond a diverse group of people, giving “Football Fam” a whole new meaning.

While the paperwork is going through on that, though, Angelina is going to take the opportunity to shoot her new film about college football and one woman’s desire to change the game: A Woman’s Sport, written by, directed by and starring Angelina Jolie.

So while the program isn’t garnering more W’s, it is getting rave reviews on Rotten Tomatoes.

Teresa Sullivan

That smirk says ACC Champs to me

Tsully would probably be a little sour about her demotion from University President to Football Coach, but she wouldn’t let it get her down too much.

TBH, her season would probably be going well, until she randomly gets fired in the middle of it. Luckily, her players love her and rally to get her back, insisting whatever powers-that-be that fired her in the first place get the boot.

#TeamSully.