I spent $40 on a Squatty Potty and it changed my life

A couple weeks ago, I was procrastinating on Facebook when a video started playing on my feed without sound. A man dressed in Renaissance garb and a Unicorn shitting rainbow ice cream.

I was intrigued.

So, I replayed the video, with sound on, and what I witnessed in the following 2 minutes and 54 seconds changed my life.

It turns out, us humans weren’t meant to advance to the stage of the Modern Western toilet. This was news to me. Apparently, there’s a buttload (pun very much intended) of complications that come with utilizing said contraption. Hemorrhoids, constipation, and colon issues to name a few.

So, looking out for my colon (#healthyhoo), I decided to take advice from the animatronic shitting Unicorn and order what is essentially an overpriced stool…that would help me with my stool.

Not wanting to spend my own money on it, I logged into my mom’s Amazon account and charged it to her card (Thanks, Mom). Within the hour, she had emailed me telling me someone hacked her Amazon account and she had to e-mail Amazon, and “it was a whole ordeal.”

Terrified she had canceled my order, I had to inform her there was no mistake. Just one girl on a quest for better poops. My mother, now on board with this admirable quest, informed Amazon of her mistake, and my order was officially on its way.

And then, the fateful day came. The day that would change my life. My squatty potty came. Not feeling Nature’s Call upon opening the package, I considered brewing and drinking three cups of coffee, but decided that to force anything wouldn’t feel right. Like a good date, I had to take my time, do it right.

And right it was. I am not being hyperbolic when I say this thing has changed my life, and I’m not alone. My roommates now only use my bathroom when they want to take a load off the chocolate road. All of us have bemoaned the unfortunate incidences when we are forced to do the deed in a bathroom without a squatty potty.

As of yet, no male suitor that has entered our abode has dared ask what the odd contraption peeking out from under our toilet is. But we figure it’s only a matter of time. Hopefully they get a kick out of it, too. Or at least two feet on it. Hoo knows, it may even change their lives, too.

But don’t take my word for it. Check out the reviews online. They are all incredibly positive, and while you’re at it, check out the video that started this whole journey in the first place.