Tips from the bar: What the Boylan bartender wants you to know

I’ve worked at Boylan Heights since my second year at UVA. For a year now, I’ve worked as a bartender, and I can promise you I have seen some things I cannot unsee.

In all of my fourth year wisdom, I feel the need to share some of these things I’ve seen and learned since pouring your vodka sodas with a splash of pineapple every Friday night.

Me at my peak

Now, I’m not here to judge anyone. I’ve had my own fair share of stupid shenanigans at Boylan. I’ve unsuccessfully tried to hit on a gay co-worker at the Christmas party.

I’ve slipped in somebody else’s vomit, left my wallet in the keg-room (still clueless as to why I was in there), and have given Justin Anderson “strategic advice” on how to win at shuffleboard—I still think I may be the reason he’s such a stellar competitor.

Boylan Christmas

That being said, I’ve seen a lot of crazy things as well. Things that should be shared with the world. Which is where I hope this column comes in.

I’ll be letting you experience the often insane and always hilarious occurrences of a typical night out at UVA, without, well, actually having to experience them. Hoo knows, maybe it will encourage some of the newcomers to tip, too.

For my first week, I’ll start with some classic but basic Friday night experiences. Advice is included, and you should probably follow them if you ever want another drink at Boylan.

If the lights go on and you’ve pulled someone for the night, go home

I do not get this at all. It’s 1:50 AM, you and your intended for the night are drunkenly swaying at the bar asking for “jus’ two more shotshh,” in between your sloppy making out instead of just going home.

Congrats! You’ve won! Someone has found you attractive enough to touch you with their mouth/hands/feet, what are you still doing at the bar? Do everyone a favor and leave already.

If you want a drink, don’t throw things at the bartender

This one seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how few people adhere to this simple rule.

I personally don’t feel the urge to throw empty shot glasses and/or cups at the person serving me drinks, but if you’re one of those people who do, don’t. Just don’t do it. If you do, I can guarantee you will not get served in a timely manner.

If it’s 1am, don’t ask for a Bloody Mary

Just don’t.

Asking me to ‘surprise you’ won’t get you anything fun

If you ask me to “surprise” you with a drink when there are 30 people trying to get a drink, you’re getting a bottle of Bud Light. Fair warning.

Everyone does stupid things when drunk; I’m not faulting anyone for that. These are just simple guidelines to not be that person at a bar.

Check back next week for a recap from YAR…