I’m using Spring Break to optimize my Tinder presence

Because love waits for no one

Look, let’s get real for a second. People love Spring Break. It’s the best time to consume copious amounts of alcohol and the occasional fresh and natural herb (note: other than the entire college experience itself). Without fail, you can look up and see the bright and beaming sun, sending its regards through the blinding beams of the photosphere.

But what if there was a better way to send your spring break? What if you could get ahead, not in school work, but in the term I’ve coined: “street work”?

Finally, you have time to refine your Tinder profile.

If you’re like me, your Tinder profile was put together in seconds after being too timid to speak to that beautiful woman sitting across from you in microeconomics. Placing your faith in the geolocation processes of your smart phone, you waited to tell her about your ebook collection. While that failed, you realized you could recoup from the emotional damage by moving after millions of other singles in your area.

Yet, you never took the time to establish a brand.

Branding is one of the most important aspects for any business, agency, or entrepreneur. Even more so, it’s essential to catching honeys on the fly.

I’ve put together some examples to how branding could set you apart from the rest.

Your Bio: Don’t assume they know anything about you

I often see bios that contain little factoids or ostensibly funny jokes that are supposed to lower the relationship barrier between two individuals. This is WRONG.

Instead, start with some very important pieces of information that are essential to getting to know someone.

For instance: Can you read? Are you Excel certified?

I start my bio by letting the ladies know that I’m legally edible to serve food and beverage in the state of Texas.

Profile Picture: Set the bar low

Another common mistake I see is people posting attractive and well-positioned photos on their profile. WRONG.

Search through your photo albums and find the most appalling photo you can. This sets a standard that will undoubtedly be surpassed when you meet for a hot study date in person.

Remember, the older the picture, the better!

The Opening Line: Steal quotes from attractive hollywood stars

When I’m first opening up to a woman, I choose to steal a line from dreamy hollywood actor, Vin Diesel. In the mind of the opposite party, this establishes a connection between myself and, once again, dreamy hollywood actor Vin Diesel.

Consider the line I just used before writing this article: “The thing about street fights… the street always wins.”

A prime example of what NOT to do

Any lady that might otherwise be opposed to me will see that I’m a tough, no-nonsense brawler who loves to flaunt his masculinity. Score!

Be Assertive: Guarantee a first date

After my opening line and a few preliminary conversation topics, I like to assert myself by gifting the girl in question $10-15 on the popular iOS application Venmo. Without fail, the girl will respond with something like: “Why did you send me $15 dollars on Venmo?” to which you respond: “Dinner at 7 isn’t cheap.” It works without fail!

If you follow my advice, you’ll soon be on your way to not just a hot date, but a hot meal.

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