It’s up to us to save Oscar night
Grab your comfy slippers and light a candle in your Leo shrine
A startling number of USC film kids left this weekend to go on a “journey of self-discovery” to Death Valley to experience the superbloom – some rare phenomenon where a bunch of wildflowers pop out of the desert. It only happens every hundred or thousand or however many years. Whatever…I’m not bitter I wasn’t invited.
Even though my roommate is among these flower-watching, Woody Allen-quoting fools and she KNOWS I love movies AND flowers AND being included. Like I said, whatever.
The point is, Oscar Night is here, friends. And with the film kids gone, it is incumbent upon me to tell you how to do it right (I’m about to declare my screenwriting minor but, for the love of God, don’t tell my dad). ANYWAY, here’s what you’ll need.
Giant-ass slippers
Sure, J-Law is wearing Dior this and Valentino that but think how much her ankles must be killing her in those $800 heels.
If she could trade places with you and your comfy, stained Happy Feet slippers from 2008, she definitely would.
Slipper smolder.
A 40-pouch value pack of gummies and 3 tubes of Pringles
Whether you’re alone while listening to presenters trying to pronounce Saoirse Ronan’s name correctly (and failing) or you’re with your homies, you need 40 mini-packets of chewy delights and 3 stacks of crunchy goodness to help you forget that you are voluntarily watching rich, famous white people be awarded a golden idol for being rich, famous, and white.
Oscar Night: another excuse to stuff your face.
Way too many entertainment industry magazines
Know your shit, fool!
Why is Donald Trump on the cover of the Hollywood Reporter?????
A super soft blanket
Wrap yourself in a cocoon of fuzz and despair as you try to understand how you and Alicia Vikander can be of the same species.
I asked Amelia if she was Danish so I could say “The REAL Danish girl.” But she’s not. So I can’t make that joke.5.
A big screen with a spacious viewing area
Who am I kidding? You’ll be watching on your laptop. Or, at least, trying to.
Here we go again.
LEONARDO EFFING DICAPRIO
Pull an adornment/magazine/picture/homemade voodoo doll from your shrine to him (we all have one, obviously) and hold it. Hold it close. Light a candle.
Pray that Leo doesn’t have to go through another miserable year of yachting in the Gulf of Mexico with 15 Victoria’s Secret angels without an Oscar in his hand.
Jack Dawson has aged like a fine wine.
Friends (optional)
This one is sometimes harder to acquire than you might think. Hence “optional.”
Arnie Grape has aged like a fine wine.
Looking back on these tips, they appear to be more about how to survive being a lonely, impoverished college girl than how to prepare for Oscar Night.
Well, you already read the article so HA! HAHAHAHAHA. Hahahaha…hehe…I wonder what the superbloom looks like right now…LIKE I CARE…*cries internally.*