UMass’s newest fee is worth 39 beers

Of all the issues students have with UMass, the ones creating the most consistent buzz on campus are the multiple new fee increases which follow the University’s three-year tuition freeze. In total, a 6.9% tuition increase has been added to in-state student bills, raising the cost, excluding room and board, from $13,258 to $14,171 per year.

In typical Zoomass fashion, the only way students can think to soothe the wounds of their crippling student debt is with a different kind of buzz – the one only a nice, cold, recreational drink can give you.

The newest Umass fee being introduced next semester will charge every student taking a science lab $95.

“That’s almost $500 when you graduate if you take a lab every semester. The labs already suck, we don’t need that,” said sophomore Kevin Westwood.

With $95, each student could buy 39 beers a semester – enough for a full weekend of forgetting you’re probably going to fail your science labs.

Not this weekend!

The $250 information and technology fee created to improve the infamously slow Wi-Fi system, Eduroam, could buy you almost 23 boxes of Franzia, which will help you cry as you try to reload your fifth straight episode of Friends that’s been glitchy all day.

Finally, the most drastic of the Umass fees is the five percent tuition increase, which for in-state students totals to $663.

“The tuition increase mostly went to room and board but we still have ugly concrete walls that can’t hold up posters,” said sophomore Helen Woods.

With that same $663 you could buy approximately 45 handles of plain Rubinoff, to compliment your painfully average rooms.

Spread out evenly over each weekend, that’s almost enough alcohol to forget you’re going to be in debt for the rest of your life.