Why do old people love UConn Women’s Basketball?

They’re UConn’s oldest and boldest fans, but what is it that drives them to games in herds? And who is that drives them? Because their eyesight can’t be great.

Tomorrow the UConn women’s basketball team is playing in the NCAA National Championship Game, their 10th such appearance in 17th years, which is kind of a big deal.

In addition, Breanna Stewart and her fellow seniors are attempting to win their fourth national championship in four years, which is also a deal of some mild size.

The media has certainly taken notice of this feat, and while some are admiring the Huskies undeniable athleticism, others are calling them out for the shameful crime of being good at basketball. Many are wondering if they can win these last two games and become part of history, if any of their opponents are up to the task of stopping Goliath, but I am spending my team on the questions that really matter, like why do old people love them so much?

And make no mistake, they do. You know the deal. It’s a bar night, you’re on your way to Ted’s for 12 cent tequila shots and you look up to discover that X lot suddenly looks like a senior center. What happened? Did you stumble into a time machine? Are you in the future? Is this your own college reunion in 2076? Is that old man hobbling through the parking lot you 60 years in the future??? No, it’s just a UConn women’s basketball game, so stop hugging that frightened grandfather.

Whether you’ve noticed it before or not, the truth is that old people love UConn women’s basketball, and in the name of science, today I will hypothesize as to why.

This is my grandpa, an old person

There are less punk kids at the games

It’s no secret that the women’s games are less attended by students than the men’s games. In fact, in the latest home game during the tournament student tickets were given out for free, most likely to get a fuller house for the national audience. This didn’t completely work, as my dad watching at home asked me why no one in the audience was younger than 40.

While this lack of student attendance might not be ideal for the athletic department, it’s perfect for old people. There is nothing old people love more than a nice quiet evening with their fellow octogenarians. At a women’s game, you’re less likely to hear some freshman yelling “You suck” to the other team, partially because there are no freshmen there, and partially because the other team is painfully aware of this fact. Even when students go, games are less likely to be as rambunctious as men’s games, which often involve hours of pre-gaming with eight cent pitchers of straight vodka at Huskies.

Senior discounts

Low sodium deli ham isn’t cheap.

The Women are consistent

The UConn women playing Duquesne in the second round of the tournament, a 46 point nail biter

For the most part, old people hate surprises. There’s a reason your family had a surprise party for your 15 year old cousin and not your 95 year old Grandma. You want to have a 96th birthday party. At this point in the postseason, the UConn women have won 74 games in a row. They’ve won three national championships in a row. Last week they beat Mississippi state by 60 points. Essentially, when you go to a UConn women’s basketball game, you know what you’re going to get.

The men’s team on the other hand, they’re a little bit worse for the old pacemaker. The men’s team famously plays half of their games with less talented body doubles, saving their skills and energy for March. It’s a bold strategy, but it ultimately gives us some of the most exciting moments in college basketball history. These moments can be nerve wracking, as this month’s quadruple overtime thriller proved, and if you think you can barely handle it, what do you think would happen to Grandma and Grandpa if they watched it?

Let’s all be thankful Cardiac Kemba is a fun nickname and not the name of a class action lawsuit.

Oh that Geno Auriemma is so handsome

I don’t know, this is probably one right?

They’ve been around long enough to appreciate what they’re seeing

While it might be easy and frankly a lot of fun to make old people jokes, the fact is that in a lot of ways they’re far wiser than us. They’ve been watching basketball since it was a bunch of nerdy white guys in short shorts throwing a ball into a wicker basket,  so they’ve seen it all and know how special this UConn team is. They know that a team who regularly wins by over 50 points doesn’t come along every day.

They realize that if it’s weird when your team DOESN’T win a national championship, you have a pretty great team. Basically they’ve been around long enough to know what’s extraordinary and what’s not, and the fact that they leave their plastic covered couches in droves to see this team should tell you something. So in the spirit of UConn Women’s Basketball’s most weirdly dedicated fan base let’s all enjoy tomorrow night responsibly with a tall glass of prune juice and a nice Barry Manilow record.

Gampel Pavillion, the only place old people love more is church