If the UConn dining halls were presidential candidates

Whether you have a favorite or not, there’s no denying that each dining hall at Uconn has a distinct personality. And what better way to categorize them as the current presidential candidates?

Whitney Dining Hall (East)

Small, out of the way, and often forgotten, East is obviously the Martin O’Malley of the dining halls. Most people forget that it exists. He even kinda forgot about himself it seems and subsequently dropped out. Even so, there is still a (very) small population of students who frequent it often. The weird vegan-only menu and location in the heart of MooConn make East about as appealing as winning 0.5% of the Iowa Democratic vote.  

Buckley Dining Hall

Buckley is without a doubt the Ben Carson of Uconn dining halls. As the home eatery of the Uconn Honors Program, there’s no doubt of the intelligence present, though some may disagree. It’s a small space with a decent following. And while the food is alright, it’s nothing worth travelling for. Much like the climate change-denying politician, Buckley can be summed up as “meh”.

Gelfenbien Commons (Towers)

Far out, radical, and completely unique, it should come as no surprise that Towers is the Bernie Sanders of dining halls. If you’re willing to make the long trip, you might just find something special. Or, at the very least, better than average food. The high freshman population at Towers is worth noting. Sanders is popular with the younger crowd, and so is Gelfenbien. Word of advice: if you make the trip to Towers in 1° weather, you’ll most certainly feel the burn.

Rome Commons (South)

You got to South when you want the total package- good atmosphere, solid, consistant food, decent location. It’s just a likeable place all together, much like President John F. Kennedy. There are slipups here and there, like the fact that the Grab & Go closes at 4pm on Fridays, but nothing can be perfect, right? An ABC news poll pegged John F. Kennedy as the 2nd greatest president of all time, only behind the legendary Abraham Lincoln. That’s impressive. Unsurprisingly, South is probably the dining hall you show your parents, if you had to pick one. Go figure.

McMahon Dining Hall

McMahon is the main international dining hall at Uconn, which is cool. It’s so diverse and variegated to the point where no candidate fits the bill. This one goes to a legend: FDR. The man pulled us through one of the largest wars of all time while simultaneously dealing with some of the toughest leaders in history (Churchill, Stalin, de Gaulle). The general consensus is that McMahon is just different from the rest. Individual portions, ever-changing options; it’s just different. And so was the man who served three terms.  

Putnam

You may or may not know that Putnam is undergoing a significant renovation to become Uconn’s best and most recent state-of-the-art dining hall. When it comes to flip flops, one major politician comes to mind: Hillary Clinton. The former Secretary of State is known for switching her views when it comes to large issues (immigration, gay marriage, etc). Maybe the renovation will make Putnam the “gold standard”. Anyhow, the food quality at the moment is nothing to write home about, so we’ll just have to wait and see. They could have renovated sooner!   

North Dining Hall

It sounds like another prominent Uconn dining hall, but it will never quite be on the same level. The same can certainly be related to Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign . He’s got the name (for better or worse), but not the fame (4.1% of the Iowa vote). And now he’s given up, much like our effort to go to North. Does anyone actually go out of their way to eat at North? No, especially when the far superior Northwest is basically right next door.

Northwest Dining Hall

Northwest is a chill, down-to-earth place. It’s pretty vanilla, to be honest, but that’s what makes it special. Much like South, it has the total package. As a result, it matches pretty well to Republican candidate John Kasich. There isn’t much that stands out, but as a whole, Northwest is solid. On a related note, Kasich doesn’t take shots at fellow Republicans. Lame, but respectable.

BONUS : Student Union

It’s a loud, controversial and unpredictable place. It’s gotta be the Donald Trump of Uconn eateries. Go around lunchtime, and the Dunkin line stretches past the convenience store. Go at dinner time, and it might just be a ghost town. You just never know what The Donald is going to say next. Similarly, did anyone ever imagine the Luke Gatti incident? It’s unlikely. Stay gold, Union. Sup Dup!