A totally non-biased guide to the presidential election for dummies

If you are a 21st century individual in North America with access to the Internet , then you can certainly sympathize with me when I say I feel inundated with the amount of coverage and op-eds there are about election season. One article asks me very confidently to click on their to find out how a particular candidate’s tie links him to an obscure cult in 18th century Europe while another article bemoans a certain candidate’s orange hue (this may not actually be news).

Still, if you are also like me, you will feel a little overwhelmed and lost in the avalanche of information.

What does each candidate support? What do they truly stand for when all sensational TV bytes are done with? What do you need to do before the general election? Here’s a short list to make sense of what we see.

Students on campus in dire need of advice on whom to vote for

Disclaimer: Feel free to believe everything I say because like everything on the internet, this is all 100% factual and true.

Democratic Candidates

Hillary Clinton

• Could be the first female president (which means that it is a heinous crime, akin to double-dipping your chips in salsa, not be a woman and not support her)
• Intelligent (can’t be said about everyone)
• Wall Street has family dinners with her
• Likes to whip nae nae
• Former Secretary of State and First Lady
• Wants to make college affordable for students
• Feminist (can I get some claps)
• Actually has concrete plans and policy proposals she wants to enact
• In favor of raising the minimum wage

Conclusion: Intelligent, capable, and a feminist – but I have trouble believing anyone over the age of 10 that says they like to whip nae nae.

Students in line at Starbucks, anticipating the day they will be able to afford more overpriced coffee when college becomes more affordable

Bernie

• Democratic socialist (before you faint from shock at a sighting of the “S” word, keep in mind that your ultra-Conservative uncle may not be totally correct on the definition of said word)
• Wants to make public university free (yay!)
• Youth loves him
• Wants to mitigate pharmaceutical companies’ influence on prices of medication
• Hates banks and actually keeps his money in a wooden box in the foundation of his house
• Wants to increase taxes

Verdict: cares about the youth, but the dreaded “S” word freaks people out

Republicans:

Trump

• Demagoguery/racism
• Most likely to place an embargo on China until they stop mass producing global warming
• “All animals are equal but some are more equal than others”
• Relatable because we all know the feeling of having to come up with an answer when you didn’t do the reading
• Likes to quote fascist leaders a lot
• Racism
• Probably one of those annoying people that considers Chipotle “authentic” Mexican food
• No serious experience in politics

Verdict: God help us all.

There you have it. A totally factual, unbiased, view of the election.

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Students on the hammocks fantasizing about summers by the beach instead of the June primary