I went to a bio class as a non-science major

I’m an English major with an emphasis in Creative Writing. In my English classes, I sit in a circle with my fellow classmates and professor in a group of about twelve. We read each other’s work, give feedback, make human contact, empathize.

I went to a required class for Environmental Biology majors this week. I walked in and sat down, scared the professor would say something about not recognizing me. He didn’t. What he did do was say the word ‘mutation’ at least sixty times. I know because I was keeping track.

There was a guy in the class who shouted out questions every so often. That would never fly in my English classes where we use the word ‘narrator’ when addressing someone’s non-fiction essay about their personal life and we all know it’s them in the story. The guy asking all the questions only had a phone, headphones, and the handout from the professor with him. How did he have so little with him? When I go to class I bring a huge bag, similar to Hermione’s or Mary Poppin’s, with half the contents of my room at home.

The good part, the really juicy part, of the lecture came a half hour into the class. (How had it only been a half hour??) Although I did enjoy a graph on the other powerpoint with the letter ‘f’ in the y axis and ‘u’ in the x axis. (How did no one else notice this? Maybe because it was 9:30 in the morning.)

The next powerpoint was about genetic drift, which sounded very intriguing. There was a slide where the professor included pictures of a roulette, playing cards, and dice. (See, I knew genetic drift would be a good time!)

When the professor spoke about gene flow, all I could think of were little genes floating down a lazy river. Turned out I was not completely unjustified in this visual. There are different islands according to genes, I think. There is a continent island where all the genes hang out, and a stepping-stone model, which probably leads to a secret waterfall. I’m so jealous of these genes rn.

I had absolutely no idea what the professor was talking about when he brought up something named Hardey-Weinberg, probably some nerd who came up with some theory used to torture students. I would hate to have my name attached to a formula, like Pythagoras. Like come on, you’re not going to impress some girl by saying you have a mathematical theorem named after you. All of the talk about standard deviations gave me PTSD from all the math classes I’ve ever taken.

My notes from class

I do have to admit, zygote is a great word. Probably so many points on Scrabble. We should make the word zygote into an insult, “Ugh Brad, why are you being so zygotic?” I think it could catch on.

At the end of the class, the professor suggested some further reading. He said that the Ozark glade populations of collard lizards is super interesting. Let me just put down Bridget Jones to go read about collard lizards.

Why does anyone need to take these classes? Will anyone use this information in their life? Sure, maybe one person out of this class who continues on to be a scientist.

What we really should be learning are things out of the Worst Case Scenario Handbook. I read that bad boy in middle school and now I know how to escape quicksand. True, I thought quicksand would have more of a presence in my life. But will I need to know the genetic mutation of some species when there’s a fire I’m trying to escape from? I think not.

Things I learned:

1. Does saying the word allele a lot make you sound like you know what you’re talking about?
2. There is such a thing as elephant seals. And they’re mostly cute, as cute as seals can get.
3. Random sampling in science is not as fun as random sampling at See’s Candies.
4. When the professor says, “it’s all pretty straightforward,” he is lying, which makes you wonder what else he is lying about…
5. I am glad I am an English major in the School of Liberal Arts, but I’m thankful for people who aren’t. I guess someone has to take these classes.