‘I just watched my best friend yell at the voices at her head’: what my best friend’s mental illness taught me

Would you ever picture holding your best friend’s wrists while she yelled at the thoughts in her head? I didn’t think so. My freshman year here at Temple University had not only been unforgettable but an eye-opening experience. And it starts with a heavy subject: debunking the stigma about mental illnesses.

It’s almost instinctual to consider depression, anxiety and other psychological problems as a “phase”.

I once thought the same way. I mean if it’s not physically apparent, then it can’t be real right? False. Do you ever tell someone with autism to just ‘be normal’? So, you can’t tell someone with depression to just ‘be happy’.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of clinical depression include, loss of appetite, oversleeping, a feeling of emptiness and more. Not all symptoms have to be felt in order to experience depression but many are are apparent.

Mental health disorders are very common in college students because of the transitional stage that introduces a new lifestyle, with new friends, classes and a new environment.

“If students do not feel adequate or prepared to cope with the new environment of a college campus, they could easily become susceptible to depression and anxiety,” said Harrison Davis, Ph.D., Assistant Professor of Counseling and Coordinator of the Community Counseling master’s program at North Georgia College & State University.

75% of mental health conditions begin by age 24, according to the National Alliance of Mental Illness.

One look at a photo of us and we seem like the average friend group at Temple University. The reason why I wrote this article was for the students who feel like they're alone, battling with their illness or everyone who is supporting their friends or family as I am currently doing.

When I first met my best friend

The first time I met Daniela was in the elevator of the Johnson and Hardwick building. She stared at me, still a stranger and genuinely smiled back at me. I could still recall thinking ‘wow she has a big smile and she doesn’t even know me’.

However, Daniela would always smile like this and keep the facade of being the bubbly girl at our freshmen hall. I would soon learn that her smile hid all her pain and I was oblivious to it all. After hanging out a couple of times, Daniela became one of my best friends and someone I would tell everything to. Our Temple family expanded soon enough when I met Daniela's best friend Katie who would later become our future roommate.

When Daniela told us she had a mental disorder, she approached it in a very subtle way. She weaved it into one of our conversations and told me she had depression and schizophrenic thoughts. I didn’t pay mind to it because she touched the subject with a smile on her face, like she always has. Katie and I found out about it in similar ways and at the time, we didn’t question her stability therefore.

“Initially it wasn’t that big of a deal, it looked like she had a good control over it,” Katie said, “She told me she wasn't on medication anymore, [she] told me she stopped going to therapy and she was very proud of where she was and she felt like she was in a very good place and at the time…I didn't question her judgement if she was in a good place or not..”

And she was in a good place, until the first semester at least, towards finals week in December is when the stress was piling down.

We were sitting in J&H dining hall when she began to stare into the distance. Katie and I kept engaging her in conversation, hoping she would interact, but she just kept reverting back into her stares. Suddenly she hurries to the bathroom and we follow her there. Daniela begins to lean over the toilet and began to whisper to the voices inside her head.

However, in a quick minute, she snaps out of it and claims she’s fine. Katie and I were confused and worried when she then begins to yell, and Katie goes to get help. I’m left there vulnerable for the first time and thinking about what I could do to help Daniela but there was nothing I could do. I just watched my best friend yell at the voices in her head while we prayed that we could do something to help.

I held her wrists and tried my best to keep her calm, assuring her that help is coming. She continues to screech and insists on getting a knife to satisfy the voices. I plead her not to go, while my words choke on potential tears. She bangs her fists on her head and is crying hysterically. Her body slams on the wall and she slides down to the floor helplessly, crouching. What does a nineteen-year-old do at this point?

Katie comes back with help and we all start counting numbers in order for her to calm down. We count to 80 till she finally breathes normally and is at a calming point. Unfortunately, my tranquility was lost after what I saw that day.

Seeing her in that state was one of the scariest moments I had witnessed and I don’t think anything could surpass that at this point. Katie and I began taking precaution for Daniela and wouldn't let her be by herself.

We’d keep track of her sleeping schedule in case she slept too much or too little. Every time she cried, we would run to her dorm across campus staying as late as 1 or 2 a.m. just so she would be occupied until she went to sleep. I was afraid to leave her alone, thinking she’d make rash decisions if we weren't with her. We would have to constantly reassure her that she had value and purpose, because the voices in her head told her the opposite.

However as time went on, it began to take a toll on me. It initially started with my grades slipping but afterwards, I felt the weight of my concern for her to bring me down.

There would be multiple instances where I’d have to either leave early from class or skip one of my classes because I was worried she’d have another episode. My mood started to fluctuate and coordinated with how Daniela felt each day. I was tired most of the time and drained because of the emotional and mental toll that came from painting countless scenarios that she could be a part of.

“I wasn’t fully focused, I was more worried whether she was okay, whether she was sleeping, whether she felt that she was worthless or she wasn't good enough. I was worried she wasn't eating [and] just making sure she was healthy and okay, was my number one worry for about two to three months,” explained Katie.

I began to think my feelings weren’t validated either because it didn’t seem like what I was going through was measurable to what she was going through, so I felt guilty for even being upset in the first place. When we cared for our friend, we knew any approach was not going to heal her illness, but at the very least sustain it. Two nineteen-year-olds aren’t equipped to handle situations like this, which is why it became almost a burden that followed me everywhere I went.

I realized how marginalized we were, in terms of familiarity with her illness when my friend had a minor panic attack at a social event.

The same factors occurred: panting, loss of regular breathing, hyperventilating and so on. Shockingly, besides Katie and I, no one knew what to do. Jaws were dropped, eyes were bug-eyed, and whispers were passed but no type of aid. Of course, there’s no reason for anyone to be knowledgeable of this unless it affects them directly. But the ubiquity of oblivion in the room was actually concerning. It was as if she was being possessed, but in reality, it’s something that most, if not all of us, has gone through, just at a more serious level.

“One brain area that seems to be overactive in people with MDD[major depressive disorder] is the amygdala. This brain area is generally involved in negative emotions such as fear or anxiety but is also overactive in depression,” said Cynthia Gooch, Temple University’s Psychology professor.

Daniela's therapist told her that when we were cavemen, a very old center of our brain, known as the panic center tells us when we’re in actual danger. This tells us when we need to fight or flight, but for people with anxiety⏤panic center is bigger compared to others so it’s triggered more frequently.

“[When] you don't encounter it, it’s hard to educate yourself but I think what’s important to know is that what they need is not eyes and crowding, [but] comforting and reassuring the person that it’s gonna pass and you’re gonna get through it, kind of like encouraging them”

It’s important to be there for someone when they’re going through a panic attack, more generally, when they’re going through a mental illness. It’s important to sustain encouragement and positivity in a loved one’s life even if they won’t believe it.

“Besides seeing a doctor and a counselor, you can also help your depression by being patient with yourself and good to yourself. Don’t expect to get better immediately, but you will feel yourself improving gradually over time,” according to the NIMH.

If you know someone that may be showing signs of depression or anxiety or any type of mental disorder, don’t wait till they reach their peak to seek help. Encourage them that they’re loved and deserve what’s best even if their thoughts tell them otherwise. This may have been one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced in my life but without it, I wouldn’t have found my best friend.

Find help here or at Temple's Tuttleman Counseling Services.