The stages of mourning the death of your iPhone
Tfw a little piece of you dies inside
I’m convinced this happens to everyone, at least once in college. Their beloved iPhone suddenly takes a turn for the worst and leaves them in the dark world of no technology.
Earlier this year, I was a girl with an iPhone and went to visit my best friend at The University of Pittsburgh. I returned – just a girl, no phone. After suffering the tragedy of the dark world without instant technology for a couple of days, I realized it’s not as bad as you think.
Don’t get me wrong though, the process was a tough and tragic transition.
As someone who is constantly on my phone trust me, if I said I didn’t have my phone, I probably just ignored you (sorry mom). When I accidentally dropped my iPhone in a toilet, I essentially accidentally dropped a lifestyle – the one where I was always on my phone. As the minutes and days (equivalent to years and milleniums in the victim’s head) went by, I went through a number of grieving stages.
Stage one: Shock
“WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?”
First, as a victim of tragedy, you’ll be in immediate shock. You won’t be able to think right, your heart will hurt, and your fingers feel void from not constantly holding anything anymore.
Hands are meant for holding iPhones and that’s about it, there’s no other real anatomical need for them.
Stage two: Let’s try the tricks
The magic worker.
“If Linda got her phone to work after putting it in a bag of rice, I should too!”
You’ll google all the possible ways to fix your beloved, and you’ll go out to find the right supplies and try all the steps only to find, none of them really work.
Stage three: Grieving
“What about all my pictures? And videos? And screenshots!?”
These next few hours (more like years in my experience but each to their own) you’ll sit pondering the memories you’ve had with your beloved. Like when you first got her and named her “Milania number three” after stealing the name of Teresa Guidice’s daughter from the Real Housewives of New Jersey, or the time you took a screenshot of that hilarious snapchat from your best friend and had it saved for the best payback moment. Most importantly you’ll think of all the life events your phone had been with you where it could capture all the memories. You know, like your forgotten memories from the party last night or when it was there for you during your tinder phase.
Stage four: Hate
“Apple is the worst.”
Steve Jobs was great and all but like come ON, why would he ever do this to you? HOW could he betray you like this? Why aren’t iPhones easier to fix or cheaper? BETRAYAL.
Stage five: Throwback to middle school
“Well, since I can’t call or text let me communicate via facebook and use twitter from my laptop, it’s all good, I’ll survive.”
No you won’t. You”ll question how on earth instant messaging via computer was ever a thing and taken seriously? Like really? Mom, I need your opinion on what I should do about this situation NOW not tomorrow morning when you check your facebook messages, like HELLO. Even your best friend will take a while to catch on to this old school way of life, so you’ll have nothing to do and no one to talk to constantly.
Stage six: Doubt
Is this what people did?? Is this how you read?
“I wonder if this is what life was like in the prehistoric age..”
You’ll eventually get sick of trying to keep up [with the Kardashians – just kidding that never happens] with the technological world and let go of your efforts of keeping in touch with everyone. Life seems different, you have more time on your hands, you aren’t stressing out about the text you didn’t receive or waiting to see if a special someone liked your instagram post.
Stage seven: Acceptance
Well, at least, I’m at peace
“Honestly, this isn’t that bad.”
You’re gonna learn to enjoy downtime to yourself and kind of start wishing phones were less important in today’s society. Like everyone should slow it down and try this out with you!
Stage eight: You’re a survivor
Superhero stance for accomplishing superhero feats.
“Well, that was nice while it lasted.”
You’re over it, you get your shit together and make all the right calls (s/o to mom and dad for the money) and order a new phone………..it’s an iPhone.
But hey, now you’ve endured a hardship great enough to write on your resume. Okay maybe not, but you catch my drift, it was a big deal.
If you could do this, you decide you’re prepared to do anything in the world.