What majors should be called based on what they really do

Because the current names fall a little short.

There’s more to our majors than people think, so we took the opportunity to rename them based on what actually goes on. I went around asking students to describe their majors on a real basis (and the results are so accurate it hurts).

 

Psychology

Analyzing people’s literal every move until you start to realize just how messed up human beings really are.

OR

Learning about abnormal behaviors until you start diagnosing yourself with random disorders that you definitely don’t have.

Online Journalism

 Spending weeks collecting information on one article just for it to be published and get 10 views, half of which are from you refreshing the page.

English

Writing a 10 page paper about what the blue curtains represent when they were probably just on sale.

Film

Being forced to watch disturbing videos when all you want to do is work for HBO.

Chemistry

Having to remind yourself that the class is scaled so you don’t sob into your food in the middle of a dining hall.

OR

Why.

Studio Art

Becoming increasingly convinced art isn’t actually real as your classes force you to accept more and more ridiculous things as “art”.

Architecture

Being able to angle your tears away from your sketchbook because you learned to measure everything you touch.

Education

Putting up with people calling you a “glorified babysitter.”

Business

Trying to expand your suit to tie to shoe combinations but failing because you’re broke.

History

Knowing everything about the past but not having any kind of clue about your own future.

Pre-Med

Realizing every time you’re in class that you’re only there because you’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy since age 7.

Computer Science

Staring at a screen until your eyeballs feel like they’re going to fall out of your head, as if you do don’t enough of that anyway.

Engineering

Knowing too much about math for someone who isn’t a mathematics major.

Biology

The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Religion

Forever getting too existential for my own good.

 

There you have it, folks. Judging by these names, we’re wishing all these majors the best of luck as the year closes out. Clearly, they need it.

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