What majors should be called based on what they really do
Because the current names fall a little short.
There’s more to our majors than people think, so we took the opportunity to rename them based on what actually goes on. I went around asking students to describe their majors on a real basis (and the results are so accurate it hurts).
Analyzing people’s literal every move until you start to realize just how messed up human beings really are.
Learning about abnormal behaviors until you start diagnosing yourself with random disorders that you definitely don’t have.
Spending weeks collecting information on one article just for it to be published and get 10 views, half of which are from you refreshing the page.
Writing a 10 page paper about what the blue curtains represent when they were probably just on sale.
Being forced to watch disturbing videos when all you want to do is work for HBO.
Having to remind yourself that the class is scaled so you don’t sob into your food in the middle of a dining hall.
Becoming increasingly convinced art isn’t actually real as your classes force you to accept more and more ridiculous things as “art”.
Being able to angle your tears away from your sketchbook because you learned to measure everything you touch.
Putting up with people calling you a “glorified babysitter.”
Trying to expand your suit to tie to shoe combinations but failing because you’re broke.
Knowing everything about the past but not having any kind of clue about your own future.
Realizing every time you’re in class that you’re only there because you’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy since age 7.
Staring at a screen until your eyeballs feel like they’re going to fall out of your head, as if you do don’t enough of that anyway.
Knowing too much about math for someone who isn’t a mathematics major.
The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Forever getting too existential for my own good.
There you have it, folks. Judging by these names, we’re wishing all these majors the best of luck as the year closes out. Clearly, they need it.