The Jungle Juice connoisseur
Because what else are you paying $60,000 for?
The quest to find the perfect mixer.
Jungle Juice is a necessity at any college party. The highly potent beverage is usually a mixture of various juices and alcohols, the less you can taste the booze, the better.
The art of crafting Jungle Juice is unique to each and every party, making no two recipes the same. It’s ability to inebriate even the most tolerant of party animals has earned it a notorious reputation among college students and others alike.
Being the party girl and investigative journalist that I am, I set out on a quest to sample some of the finest juices here at the party capital of the north, Syracuse University. The results were delicious, disgusting, and everything in between.
Juice #1
Where: Unnamed frat house basement with damp walls and half an inch of unidentified liquid on the floor.
Color: 9. Bright red color, resembled Hawaiian Punch.
Taste: 8. Not bad at all. Tasted like melted sherbet with hardly any alcoholic undertones.
Potency: 6. Drank a whole solo cup and ended up only slightly drunk. Disappointing for such a good tasting drink.
TOTAL: 7.7
Juice #2
Where: Off-campus house party backyard with mediocre music. Busted by DPS shortly after we arrived.
Color: 10. Dark, vibrant red, very intense. Looked legit.
Taste: 9. Honest to God could not taste any alcohol in this stuff. Seriously.
Potency: 7. Like Juice #1, drank an entire solo cup and didn’t get as shit faced as I had hoped. Slightly more drunk than I got off Juice #1.
TOTAL: 8.5
100% sober selfie I took with the Cobra Venom Cafe owner
Juice #3
Where: Awkward frat party with a strange bar labeled “Cobra Venom Cafe.” My hopes were high going into this one.
Color: 7. Purple, bordering on black. Hm.
Taste: 5. Tasted like flat grape soda and Lil Wayne’s first attempt at sizzurp. Sub par at best.
Potency: 2. Didn’t feel/ taste like any alcohol was in it. Attempted to ask frat brother what the recipe was and he was surprisingly secretive. Got a selfie with him as a consolation prize.
TOTAL: 4.6
Juice #4
Where: Horrendous house party with no music and way too many drunk people. God.
Color: 3. Honestly looked like pee. But if you think about it, pee doesn’t actually look that bad.
Taste: 0. Couldn’t tell if this was some sad sack’s attempt at jungle juice or Donald Trump’s saliva. Probably a mix of both.
Potency: 9. Got me so wasted, I threw up later at a frat party. Only redeeming quality of this depressing attempt.
TOTAL: 4
You know you’re wasted when taking a sideways mirror pic in a trashy frat house sounds like a good idea
Juice #5
Where: Insane party in the attic of a house off campus. Looked like a scene straight out of UK Skins.
Color: 7. A clear pink color. Like a sketchy pink lemonade.
Taste: 10. Life- changing strawberry heaven. If Jesus had turned water into this shit, Christianity would have a hell of a lot more converts.
Potency: 5.5. Hard to tell the potency of this one as I only had a shot of it. Tipsy after taking only 4 oz, so I’m assuming it was loaded.
TOTAL: 7.5