I’ve struggled with an eating disorder, and I’m not afraid to talk about it

Today marks the beginning of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and I think that it is necessary that I take this time to talk about an issue which, quite frankly, is not talked about, and needs to be.

Eating disorders are not just about food. They are not just about becoming thinner, they are not just a drive to become more beautiful. Eating disorders are not a choice, and they are not a phase. Eating disorders thrive in secrecy. Those that have struggled with their own relationship with food will know that eating disorders thrive in the corners of our minds, poisoning our thoughts and our opinions of ourselves. They thrive as we live in a constant self-denial of our own problems, and as we justify our actions and behaviors to others. And it is this secrecy that allows disordered eating behaviors to persist in our own lives, and go unrecognized in those around us.

I will not keep the fact that I have had an eating disorder a secret. I have struggled with restrictive eating for six years. Six years of shame and guilt. Six years of struggling to admit to myself, much less others, that my relationship with food had become not only a destructive takeover of my mind, but also my life. But I admit this openly because I can say that I am no longer ashamed of my past, or even my current struggles.

I have felt the need to measure unto those around me for most of my life. I wrestled with the feeling that I was always lacking, that I was ‘less than’ those around me. Did I measure up? Was I as fulfilled as those around me? As I wrestled with these questions, I turned to food as a method of exercising complete control over one thing in my life. I believed that if I could completely control what I ate and how I looked, I could find some worth in myself that I was desperately searching for. However, in this quest for control, I let food and my eating disorder take control of me.

It has taken a lot of time, a lot of work, and a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs to get to a place in my life where I can say that I am no longer controlled or defined by my eating disorder. However, this recovery would have been impossible if I didn’t have the unending support from my the people in my life, people that weren’t afraid to talk to be about my thoughts and give me love and encouragement. Recovery would have been impossible if I didn’t feel like I could open up and be honest to the people around me .

There is an undeniable stigma against eating disorders, and mental illness in general. I believe that we will not be able to abolish this stigma until we are able to openly talk about these issues, and be able to candidly talk about our own personal struggles while supporting others in theirs.

Ultimately, our personal struggles are nothing to be ashamed of, and they are not signs of weakness. We ALL have our own problems, whether they relate to food or not, but the first step to overcoming them is admitting them and talking about them without shame.

I’ve never quite know what recovery means until now. Recovery means freedom. Recovery means going out to dinner and not keeping track of every bite you put in your mouth. Recovery might even mean drunk eating brownies in your kitchen, and waking up the next morning without worrying about how you are going to burn them off. Recovery means finding your friends again, recovery means finding your social life again, but most importantly, it means finding yourself again. So I want to thank everyone that has helped me in my journey to recovery, who was not afraid to talk to me and to openly share their own experiences with food and eating. Without you, I would not have my life back.

If you are out there struggling with your own relationship to food, remember recovery is always possible. Food is not the enemy, and you are perfect in your imperfections. Your worth and value is not based on your appearance, it is not based on how you measure up to those around you, it is only based on how you view yourself. Remember the first step is not to be be afraid to talk to those around you that you trust. Please remember that every day is a victory. We are all working to brighter futures, and though it might sound cliché, we are improving ourselves from the person we were yesterday.

I admit my own experience because I want you all to know that it is okay to speak up. If you are worried about someone who you think might be wrestling with their own issues with food, don’t stay silent. I can tell you that support, love, and recognition is the first step that you can take to helping someone recover.

Let’s start talking.

Find out more about National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.