All the boys you’ll meet in 5 Points
It’s a jungle out there
Going out in 5 Points can be an experience in and of itself, but the men out there are a special breed. Let us break down the USC boys you’ll find downtown.
The Trump Supporter
He’s wearing khakis and boat shoes and his ego takes up half the bar. His ‘buds’ claim he’s the man, but you’ve clocked the bowtie and can already tell he’s just a bit of a dick. Get him talking politics over a trashcan and you’re basically embarking on a suicide mission. His forefather’s forefather was a Republican so why the fuck would he think any differently? He’s not a racist because he’s seen Straight Outta Compton, and he’s definitely not sexist because he loves his mom, yet he’s adamant The Wall needs to happen and thinks Hilary is a dumb bitch.
The Frat Boy
Decked out in this week’s polo shirt of choice, with Bud Light seeping from every pore, the Frat Boy and his comrades dominate Thirsty Thursdays. He’s fuckin’ lit and can often be found drinking a pitcher with a straw up on the seating of any bar with the rest of his BOYZ, rapping along to Post Malone like they’re some sort of tribute act. The Frat Boy won’t stop for anyone and unless he’s talking about this week’s suh sick darty, he’s shouting down the phone at the pledges he’s got on speed dial to come pick him up at 4am.
Your Inside Man
Be he on the bar, on the door, or somewhere in between collecting glasses, the inside man is your key to a line-free, discounted night. Ensuring you feel like the bossiest bitch in 5 Points, he’ll let you and the squad jump the line and even throw in the half-full pitcher he’s just confiscated. He’s your best friend and you don’t even know his name. Sliding you shots on the sly and refusing to serve the asshole who’s got his wallet in his face, you watch him from afar with fondness as he throws you a knowing look that say’s ‘I got you’.
The Die Hard Gamecock
Shouting ‘Fuck Clemson’ at anyone in orange, the die hard Gamecock has forgotten he’s out to have fun and not moan about the football season. Representing head-to-toe in the merchandise his mom bought him from Russell House, he might as well be getting paid to be a walking advertisement. Nothing gets him off quite like Sandstorm, but a woman in garnet and black might come close.
The Freshman
He’s awkward, kind of sweaty and will take a mile if you give him an inch. The Freshman – so consumed by the euphoria of getting in with his fake that he spends the rest of his night acting like the fucking Great Gatsby. Undeservedly cocky, given a sniff of VS body spray, his hormones will run riot. Ladies beware – these young guns are nothing if not persistent. To them, your rejection is just a marker of interest. Has he mentioned that he drives his dad’s old Subaru, played football one time in high school and is pledging? He’s kind of a big deal.
The Super Senior
Mysterious in a why the F you still here kind of way, the Super Senior is that arrogant guy who thinks he’s seen it all. Laughing about the good old days when USC was a football school, ordering whiskey at the bar and repeatedly telling you not to put him on your Snapchat story, he’s a man who got his kicks in sophomore year and only comes to 5 Points to be ironic. Oh, and he’s been to Europe.
The Calzone Fiend
They come in all shapes and sizes and from all walks of life. But what they all share is a deep love of grease laden cheese and dough. By 1am, thoughts of the holy land have crept into their subconscious, and they are willing to drop tonight’s conquest like a hot potato in order to make a b-line for Eddie’s. At one end of the spectrum, you have the happy-go-lucky but also thrifty ‘calzone of the day’ fiend and at the other, the big spender, to whom money is no object in the pathway of true satisfaction and who you will often see walking home three boxes deep. The love the Calzone Fiends share for Eddie’s is undeniable and Eddie, whoever he may be, has been the godlike figure watching them grow over the last 4 years.