A statistical guide to nailing a first date

Alright bachelors and bachelorettes, Valentine’s Day is finally over. You can kiss the monotony of chocolate advertisements and sales on red-themed goodies in department stores a happy goodbye.

The truth is, even my girlfriend and I sort of hate V-Day. It’s commercialized, it’s shallow and honestly it’s just another great way for businesses to reel in consumers during the post-holiday shopping drought. Obviously, it’s no Black Friday, but happy couples everywhere will undoubtedly find at least a few more empty spaces than usual in the folds of their wallets and purses. Of course, there will always be those over-achievers who roll up in their spouse’s new ribboned chrome Porsche, or who seize the day with an overpriced 24-karot ring.

Taking a step back, the whole idea really is just outrageous. The premise seems too contrived for well-informed college kids — that’s you and me — to fall victim to. An entire twenty-four hours promoted and accepted as the day to outwardly display appreciation and affection toward a significant other. It seems redundant, doesn’t it? Tell me some genius out there somewhere isn’t thinking, “Wait a minute, shouldn’t we show appreciation every day?” I mean really, even in the littlest of things like, I don’t know, saying “I love you” every day? Or holding open a door? Or surprising her with flowers? Or hugging him for no particular reason?

No, no, no, people. That’s what Valentine’s Day is for.

A change for singles is in the air

Anyways, now that February 14 has left us, and the all the smiling couples can go back to their petty bickering and dining court small-talk, Cupid’s fallen angels have made room for a new time of year — dating season.

Let’s face it. Even though most of the single population loves ridiculing St. Valentine and his day of greed, whether through a “bro-night” or a Galantine’s Day bar-hop, the truth is we all sort of feel a little like Freddie Mercury. As I mentioned, even my girlfriend and I sort of hate V-Day, but that doesn’t mean we’d rather be single on the 14th. Plus, dating life is exciting.

Sure, once in a while you might stumble upon a love-hungry psychopath looking to cling to your side for the rest of eternity like an overgrown leech, but that’s usually a rarity. What’s less of a rarity is that, at the end of it all, you might just find your best friend in the process.

That said, it all has to start somewhere, and no one can escape the nerve-wracking reality of the infamous first date. Lucky for you, a dating trends group called Singles in America has recently published their sixth annual statistical findings after studying 5,500 singles in the nation. So, if you’re looking to not spend another Valentine’s Day alone — where Netflix and Chill just means turning on the TV and pumping up the A/C — then you might want to pay close attention.

According to Singles in America

Although an expensive restaurant increases your chances of getting a second date by 50 percent, going for sushi increases your chances by a whopping 170 percent. Don’t worry, if raw fish makes you queasy, try the California roll — it’s made up of raw crab instead of uncooked fish, so you’re good.

Surely you’re aware that on a date — especially the first one — talking about politics is a huge no-go. Well, that’s actually not the case. Apparently, conversing about politics on the first date actually increases your chances on landing another one by 90 percent. Still, be sure to tread lately, as only 24 percent of singles identify as unaffiliated with any party. Just because you’re looking to Make America Great Again definitely does not mean that she’s on the same page.

To all of you sports-buffs out there, here’s a bit of advice: don’t drone on about your favorite team. Remember how Cam Newton lost the Super Bowl, and he pouted like a baby, and Peyton Manning’s win might finally allow him to retire in peace? Yeah, you might not want to bring that up. According to the study, less than 25 percent of men and women give a crap about sports. That’s pretty darn close to 14 percent, which is the amount of people up for talking about their ex. In other words, stay away from both topics. Unless, of course, you’re not enjoying the way your date is going, and you somehow got stuck with the clingy psychopath. Then, by all means, sport the night away.

Sometimes, trying to decide what day and time to ask your date out on can be a bit of a decision. As it turns out, sticking to a Friday or Saturday date is in your best interest. On top of that, 60 percent of singles prefer an evening date. So there’s that. Pretty intuitive, right?

Something that’s not so simple is what to expect at the doorstep at the end of the night. Guys, do you lean in for a kiss? Ladies, do you pucker up and close your eyes as you wait patiently in expectation? Should both sexes be so nervous about the good-night kiss that they should let pure awkwardness overtake them and engage in a sweaty handshake-hug? Of course, the answer here is… maybe. Honestly, whether you end the night on a kiss or not is a shot in the dark: 50 percent of singles think that a “good” first date ends with a good-night kiss. The key phrase here, people, is a good first date. If things aren’t going well, odds are that 50 percent will turn into 0 percent pretty darn quick.

But hey, don’t let these numbers decide how you live your life. Get out there and see how your dating experience stacks up to the stats. You’re only young once.