No, I’m not Australian. I’m from New Zealand

When people first meet me, they usually ask me one of three questions:

1. “Are you Australian?”
2. “Are you British?”
3. “Are you South African?”

I’m from New Zealand: that small country in the middle of nowhere that is not Australia, England or South Africa, but apparently has an accent that sounds like a combination of all three. Once the hypothetical person I’m meeting realises where I’m really from, three more questions are asked:

1. “Have you seen Lord of the Rings?”
2. “Have you heard of Flight of the Conchords?”
3. “Have you shagged a sheep?”

I could spend all day talking about New Zealand. However, since attention spans are limited and reading is hard, I’ve compiled a (small) combination of things that may interest you about the Land of the Long White Cloud.

We have a lot of sheep

Forget traffic jams with miles and miles of stationary cars. Consider driving through the countryside and coming across this:

Statistics New Zealand claims (from 30 June 2015) there are six sheep to every person living in the country. With a population of approximately 4.6 million, that gives us 27.6 million sheep. However, our sheep population is declining. In 1982, sheep numbers reached a peak of 70.3 million.

For some, this may be frightening.

For me, a proud carnivore, I see this:

Food may be sexy, but we don’t have sex with our food.

We have three official languages.

English, Māori and New Zealand Sign Language.

You go to the dairy to get some choice-as lollies from the pick ‘n’ mix. Maybe you’re too knackered to cook up a mean-as feed for your whanau so you buy some puku-filling Fish and Chips.

Understandably, New Zealand-isms in our English on top of our accent give many tourists and foreigners a hard time.

I’ve had countless situations where “doing math” is interpreted as “doing meth”, explaining why I got many confused faces when I enthusiastically said that I “did a lot of math in high school” during frosh week.

During the 2011 Rugby World Cup in New Zealand, the following infographic was released for newcomers having a hard time understanding us:

We have a national Wizard

You think I’m joking but I’m not.

In 1974, the Wizard arrived in Christchurch, set up a ladder in the central city Square and while standing on this ladder, lectured passersby on topics such as the evils of usury, the need for a state religion and the necessity for men to “inspire obedience” in their wives. He soon became a tourist attraction, and in 1982, became the official “Wizard of Christchurch”. In 1990, he became the first Wizard of New Zealand, with duties to “protect the Government…cast out evil spities…and promote a new and improved universe which puts New Zealand on top of the world both physically and metaphysically”.

Today, he is a living work of art:

And has legally changed his name to “The Wizard.”

Even better, in 2009 The Wizard was awarded the Queen’s Service Medal: an award that recognises public service and volunteer service to the community.

We have the most incredible outdoors scene

Canyoning. Caving. Bungie Jumping, Sky Diving.

Chances are that in New Zealand you can do any crazy outdoor activity you can dream of. Chances are that in New Zealand you can do any crazy outdoor activity that your mind can’t fathom.

But wait, there’s more.

Not only do you get to do these activities. You also get this scenery as a backdrop.

We almost changed our flag a couple weeks ago

This was a venture that was highly publicised. An effort was made to officially change our flag from this:

To one of these:

The final referendum was a choice between keeping the original flag, or implementing the Silver Fern (second from the right) as our new flag.

We ended up keeping the original flag.

The thing that garnered world-wide attention was the process that resulted in the five-flag shortlist above. Anyone (and I mean anyone) could submit a design. Thus, designs like these were thrown in the mix:

The last kiwi is my favourite.

Kiwis are friends not food

Speaking of kiwis and languages, I feel like it’s noteworthy to point out that eating a kiwi is not a good idea. Kiwi refers to either a kiwi bird or a person from New Zealand. That’s a choice between consuming a national symbol and cannibalism. I feel like it’s also noteworthy to point out that Australians eat their national animal (the kangaroo) while us New Zealanders do not.

The kiwi that you eat is referred to as a kiwifruit. Remember that if you ever visit my beautiful country.