Fire inspection’s cruelest and creepiest moves of the day
‘Taking a nap and I wake up to a middle aged man in my room’
The list of fire inspection violations is longer than the Great Wall of China.
Every year on the day you least expect it, fire safety barges into your room and passes out fines for things you had no idea were illegal. And also for some things you definitely did.
Depending on how egregious your violation is, you can get burned (zing!) pretty bad. A lit candle, for example, is gonna run you $100 just for a first offense. Most violations begin at $25 or $50, but escalate quickly for repeat offenders.
The sad truth is, there is no way to defeat fire safety. They will always win. But you can do a few things to at least avoid some of the horror stories that were reported during today’s inspection.
Let’s have a look at some of the key do’s and dont’s of fire safety day, shall we?
Don’t: Hook up with anyone on fire safety day, at least not in your room
Those guys fling open doors like it’s nobody’s business, and there’s no predicting it.
Do: Break every other single non-fire safety related rule
It’s actually shocking how separated fire safety is from Public Safety, the Committee on Discipline, and basically the entire rest of the school.
Underaged drinking? Go ahead. Felony-level drug possession? Knock yourself out. Just don’t get caught with any scented candles.
Don’t: Get creative with your home decor
Don’t: Drop your mixtape on fire safety day!
Be honest with yourself – if the tape is whack, you’re fine. But if that shit is hot fire, you can bet your sweet ass the inspector’s gonna cop it, take it home, and bump it.
Do: Warn everyone immediately when you find out it’s fire inspection day. You’ll be a hero
Don’t: Sleep in on fire inspection day
University fire safety regulations actually gives fire inspectors the right to come into your room if you don’t immediately answer when they first knock. They will creep around your room looking for hidden cooking devices while you slumber.
Don’t: Use any normal, innocuous household items
Do: Refuse to put up with their shit
It’s time to fight back against the fire safety regime.
Don’t: Once again, don’t sleep in on fire inspection day…
Don’t: Try to get around the door taping rule. It’s impossible. They will hunt you down
Don’t: Do anything your ashamed of
Honestly, you should probably just stay out of your dorm the whole day to be safe.
Do: Appeal any and all fines you receive
The University lists a process by which you can appeal your fines online. Fire safety has a reputation of being unflinchingly rigid in their enforcement of the rules, but you never know which dean on the other end might be sympathetic to your cause and throw you a bone. It can happen:
Seriously? They’re gonna pull this shit on the same day as fire inspections!?