Someone broke into Butler and spooned a female student – but how?

NJ.com reported that on Halloween, a female Princeton student woke up to discover “an unknown person with an arm around her in bed.”

The stranger was reportedly noticed at 5am Saturday, in the student’s 1915 dorm room which she left unlocked.

The story states that the student “could not tell whether the intruder was a man or a woman,” but that he or she was wearing a black hoodie.

According to the victim, as soon as she woke up she screamed, prompting the stranger to immediately sprint out of the room.

Not only is the story very concerning—it’s also pretty odd.

Let’s start with the concerning bit.

1915 Hall, where the forceful spooning occurred over fall break

If strangers in black hoodies are getting into beds and putting their arms around students in the early hours, we should all probably stay in our dorms with the shades drawn behind the security of our prox-plus-code vaulted doors for the rest of fall break.

It was bad enough when we had to worry about townies flashing the students every couple weeks, but now the creeps of central Jersey are physically infiltrating res colleges. This is terrifying on all accounts, and should not be taken lightly.

But the story is also just sort of…bizarre. Something about the report, or at least the way it was covered on NJ.com, feels off, if not unfeasible. Let’s take a closer look.

First of all—how is anyone getting into 1915 without a prox? Sure, there’s always the, “Hey man can you prox me in? I left mine in my room.”

But this is fall break we’re talking about. Campus isn’t exactly teeming with people hopping in and out of Butler after midnight on a Friday.

Plus, for someone so concerned with concealing their identity that they were able to keep their gender a secret, stopping to ask potential witnesses for a hand in the middle of the night is a pretty risky move.

Supposing the assailant actually does find a way into the dorm, what next? Once he (or she, I guess) gets into the building, how many doors does he have to check before he finds one that’s unlocked?

Sure, most people were home on fall break, but shouldn’t someone have notice a hooded figure roaming the halls to turn every door handle and just said, “Hey man…what the fuck are you doing?”

Not to mention, if I were serial-spooner, I’m pretty sure the moment I laid eyes on those Alcatraz-style padlocks on every dorm room I would have said, “Fuck this” and headed down to Rutgers.

You would think this should be enough to ward off unwanted snuggle buddies

So could the mystery cuddler be a Princeton student? I’m not sure which is worse—the idea that someone from outside the community could break in, or that there is a B&E expert hiding among the student body who says Hi to you after every precept and walks to late meal with you.

But regardless of who could gain access to the inside of a Princeton dorm, there are still more questions. Let’s say you do hit the pervert jackpot and stumble upon the only unlocked door in 1915. Congratulations. Now what? What is your end game? The person you crawl into bed with isn’t going to not see you. That’s out of the question.

So when she wakes up, do you explain it away as an accident? Whoops, wrong room! Do you try to claim this was just a crazy ending to an extra-epic Charter Friday? Ask for her number? Running away as soon as the victim saw the intruder was pretty much the only option, and it just seems odd that the person would risk felony charges for that kind of an anti-climax.

We’ll be following this story as more details come in, but for now Public Safety has declined to comment. In the meantime, here’s our official PSA: the Orange Bubble can’t protect you, people. Lock your doors and never come out.