Writing for The Tab Princeton is guaranteed to change your life

Welcome [back] to Princeton. We still aren’t even halfway through the first semester, but already you’re falling [back] in love with this place. You love it so much, you’re dying for a way to let everyone know you love it. You want to echo it from the rooftops.

Or maybe you hate it. Maybe Princeton is the bane of your existence, a pressure-cooking boxing ring of pretentious douchebags, racing to see who can pile up the fattest pension before their butler finds them dead in a Manhattan high-rise.

Either way, you have strong feelings about this place, and you need the world to hear about them! If only you had an outlet, one that would reach thousands of open-eared listeners on a daily basis to help them see the things that you see here. An outlet that would make hot guys/girls think you’re hot, too—and one that wouldn’t look bad on your resume, either!

Good news, emotional campus resident: your outlet is here, and its name is The Tab Princeton.

These dudes are understandably excited, because their Tab t-shirts are about to get them laid

Whether you want to write long-form editorials, conduct some quick Q&A’s, or just hop on Snapchat Patrol for a few hours one night, The Tab Princeton is the perfect way for you to hone your writing skills, beef up your extracurricular page, and have a good time doing it.

The best thing about our style is that we don’t have one yet – it’s up to you to drive the tone and direction of this exciting new venture.

Rant about your favorite or least favorite class. Interview the quirkiest kid on your team. Open a dialogue with your chem professor on the social implications of Fetty Wap. Ask the bouncers at your eating club for a candid ethical assessment of the members.

This professor or town auditor had lots of feelings about Princeton to vent about to us! Too bad he can’t write for us, because only students can :/

Not only will you gain a deeply profound sense of personal satisfaction by creating inventive pieces of writing, you will also receive a handful of perks that are only available to writers at The Tab Princeton. These perks are top secret, as joining The Tab is a lot like joining the 21 Club or St. A’s. The only difference is that we share our top-secret secrets immediately and in great detail with anyone willing to read the ensuing paragraph.

I see you’ve decided to read on and hear about our perks. You’re not easily deterred – especially when no one is trying to deter you. Well, you’ve earned it – here are our secret perks, as well as a little behind-the-scenes insight into our branding strategy for all you aspiring marketing execs out there. Upon joining The Tab Princeton, in any capacity, you will receive:

Red Tab condoms: You may have noticed that recently, a lot of your sexual partners have been wearing bright red condoms – more so than normal. Well, that’s probably thanks to us. You see, we’ve been giving out red condoms left and right as part of our promotional campaign. Why? Well, our research has revealed that sex is going through a hugely popular phase on college campuses right now. I’m not exactly sure why, but from what I’ve heard sex can be exhilarating. And, coincidentally, at the exact time that sex is becoming “in” at Princeton, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases have grown resoundingly unpopular. Add all this up and what to you get? A surge in condom demand. And The Tab Princeton is just handing them out for free – what are we, crazy!? Ha! No, we’re not crazy – we just love contraceptive devices with extremely bright colors.

If you quickly run out of Tab condoms, congrats! We’ll gladly restock you!

Red Tab t-shirts: These are to prevent our writers from being naked. Also, they match our red Tab condoms, so you can throw one on during or immediately following sex and still look great. They can also be worn in normal, non-sexual contexts.

Red Tab stickers: These aren’t just any ordinary stickers – we’ve placed a special adhesive on the bottom so that they won’t fall off of anything you stick them to. They look fantastic on laptops!

You’re welcome for the free advertising, Apple!

Red Tab pens: These are for jotting your ideas down as soon as they pop into your brain. The Tab Princeton is all about cultivating fresh news in its rawest form. I mean yes, you’ll have to transcribe your notes onto the computer, you can’t just publish a scribbled-on post-it note. The pen is just a symbol of spontaneity, okay?

Red Tab Starbursts and red Tab chocolate truffles (and other assorted colors of candy): These sugary snacks are engineered with the express purpose of keeping our writers energized.

Facebook likes: We know the feeling. You’re sick of having to filter and filter again every Instagram picture you take just to get your likes into double digits. But what if there was a way you could accrue social validation by expressing your original thoughts, rather than just by taking a picture of your face and trying to make it look artificially attractive? With The Tab Princeton, there is. Thousands of people view our site every day, and are sitting in the back of lecture just waiting for you to send something interesting to read! Share your thoughts about campus news, and you’ll practically be able to hear them clicking away on those “Like” buttons.

Friends: We can’t guarantee that you’ll become Mr. or Mrs. Popular by the end of your first week writing for us. In fact, we can’t even guarantee that all of your current friends won’t immediately abandon you when you become addicted to cranking out high-quality prose. But we can guarantee you’ll have some friends: us. We’ll be your friends. And that’s all you need.

What the hell are you waiting for? Join us here.

We’ll be your friends! And we’ll never leave you!