A British girl goes to her first football game

America: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave and Inventor of the strange game known as (American) Football.

For a Brit abroad, this esoteric sport is right up there with red cups and beer pong. This my friends, is the holy trinity of American things to do before you die (or before you return to the Land of the Rain that is England).

Therefore, it seemed essential to make a Saturday pilgrimage to the mecca of Princeton football, Powers Field, to watch a game against a toothpaste brand.

This is the timeline of events which occurred when someone who knows nothing about football, watched football.

12:15 Because we had to do this properly, a trip to the Ustore for stash was compulsory…team spirit and all. For those who are not well-versed in British slang, here is a definition of stash from the UK Urban Dictionary:

Items of clothing, usually acquired at university, bearing the name of a club to which the wearer belongs and usually a obscure nickname picked up in Freshers’ Week. Every club or team likes to believe they have the best stash. Highly desirable.

12:20 After asking the clerk where the stash is in the store, and many funny looks, it transpires that stash here, means drugs. Ah.

12:22 “Gear” acquired (which is a shorthand for drugs in the UK, to add to the confusion.)

12:35 After reaching the stadium, it is woefully obvious that our “gear” is inadequate. Orange lipstick, a tiger fedora and a vicar wearing orange on a bike were all spotted.

12:47 Everything stops for the playing of the national anthem – quite awkward:
1) I have no idea what the words are.
2) Everyone in the restroom line stopped, which wasn’t ideal at that particular moment.
Cracking tune though.

12:56 A video is playing reminding the entire stadium that “This is Princeton Football”. Even I knew that.

12:57 Half the team are on one knee – either the most ineffective quad stretch ever or praying. From what I’ve heard of Princeton football, apparently they need all the divine intervention they can get.

13:00 LET’S GO PRINCETON.

13:02 Oh. The toothpaste brand score. I think. That’s what the scoreboard says.

13:10 YES PRINCETON. Lots of cheering on our side (how I’m currently following this game). From what I’ve gathered so far, they play, they stop, and then all the people on the field change. There are so many players. Also – a touchdown doesn’t involving touching the ball down….? Odd.

13:15 One of the players, about to catch the ball, starts doing jazz hands. According to a helpful fellow spectator, this is a “free catch” so he doesn’t get hammered by the opposition. This seems reasonable for survival reasons, but isn’t that the entire point of the game….? Still no idea what is going on.

13:26 Nothing has really happened, but one of the players HAS A BROKEN ARM. And IS STILL PLAYING. Points for commitment, points off for lack of survival instinct. This is evolution in action – should be a field trip.

13:30 Play stops (as always) but apparently this is a longer pause and people are on the field now building a cloth burger. As you do, carry on.

13:32 PRINCETON TOUCHDOWN! During quarter time, Googling has commenced, and we now have some semblance of what is going on. Each team as four “downs” to get ten yards and the ball has to be in the “endzone” for a 6 point touchdown. Seems simple enough.

13:33 There is a lot of shouting and screaming. The people with headsets are gesturing. Something about two points….no idea.

13:46 All of the referees appear to be in tantrum mode and are now throwing yellow things around, I’m assuming this is either significant, or that umpiring is simply a terribly immature profession.

14:15 Halftime. According to the scoreboard, 16:14 Princeton, which is good. The band are now performing a convoluted set of songs – no idea what they’re about, but the songs are pretty good.

14:43 Might have missed some of the game for a burger….when in Rome. Score is 23:14, go Tigers!

14:44 A crack…and a player is down! Ow. Yet, I do come from the land of rugby, and so instinctively snort at the wussy Americans and their padding…ouch.

14:50 The Tigers are just chucking it down the field, with some sassy commentary over the loudspeaker, “yet another pass incomplete”. Awkward.

14:54 The loudspeaker declares a “fumble”. I’m assuming this is just a football term, not two players getting awfully close in the middle. But I’m European, so go for it.

15:07 TOUCHDOWN TIGERS. We’re all on our feet cheering with everyone else (mainly to applaud our own smugness in actually understanding, rather than congratulating the players-Get in).

15:15 Ah. First play touchdown from the Toothpaste brand. That’s not good (I’m getting the hang of this).

15:19 Someone appears to have been trampled.

15:23 Jumping. Field Goal stopped. More jumping.

15:31 Play is stopped for the umpteenth time as the referees get out their measuring tape. I guess it’s important.

15:08 The Cheerleaders are doing “press-ups”. Badly. Note: “D D Defence” is a terrible chant. You go to the best college in America – up your game people!

15:20 Final score 44:20 to Princeton. I appear to have missed some touchdowns….but GO TIGERS!

Football is more than a game, but an amazing insight into the culture of the Yanks (which I loved more than the game itself, please don’t shoot me).

American zeal and ra ra spirit is truly glorious. Brits pale in comparison. I still have no idea what I watched, as my face at the end will attest to, but at least I’m doing this American thing properly.