‘My mom is bipolar and my dad killed himself, so I’ve always been around depression’

This past week was Mental Illness Awareness Week. It takes place each year during the first full week of October and is advocated by college campuses across the country.

A month ago, I decided that I wanted to write an article about mental illness—about coping, about how illness affects daily life – I had no idea, really. I was also hoping that it could help me work through problems of my own.

More than 25 percent of all adults are living with a mental illness during any given year, and only a fraction of those people get the help they need. Despite the large amount of people suffering, there are still stigmas surrounding mental illness that prevent sufferers from seeking help. And even those who want to seek help often cannot because of financial restrictions.

I did my research on the subject, on student health centers, on treatment methods—I had a fairly good article written. Definitely educational, but it lacked emotion. It was a pamphlet on mental illness.

So, I erased everything, logged into Facebook, and asked for stories from people.

I expected a few stories—maybe three or four—but I ended up with twenty-one. Twenty-one stories written by twenty-one women and men. I asked each person six questions, and instead of grouping answers under each person, I grouped answers under the six questions I asked.

What illness do you suffer from?

“Like so many college students, I have an anxiety disorder.”

“I was diagnosed with Dysthymia when I was fifteen.”

“I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression after a long fight to find out what the hell was wrong with me.”

“I am a bulimic.”

“I have an anxiety disorder that is strongly rooted in a phobia of throwing up.”

“I have Social Anxiety.”

“When I was eleven, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Yeah, eleven.”

“I was raped during the spring of my freshman year of high school…after that, I was diagnosed with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.”

“I suffer from bipolar disorder.”

“I have manic episodes that result from bipolar disorder.”

“I suffer from anxiety.”

“I’m clinically depressed and have been in treatment for about nine months.”

“I have OCD.”

“Anxiety and depression are a part of my life now.”

“I’m 19 years old, and I have a substance addiction to alcohol.”

“I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.”

“I suffer from anxiety. I was technically diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) but there are so many disorders located under the anxiety “umbrella”, if you will, that one person can end up having multiple without a separate diagnosis for each one.”

“I have an anxiety disorder that is especially present when I’m in front of large groups of people.”

“I suffer from Anorexia Nervosa.”

“I was suicidal. Never diagnosed with anything, but I was very suicidal.”

“I have been clinically depressed for about three years now.”

What is the history of your relationship with your illness, and how did it begin?

“My mom is bipolar and my dad killed himself, so I’ve always been around depression and psych wards—thankfully never in one.”

“I really don’t remember, but this wave of depression just kind of hit me in sixth grade and it still lingers.”

“Sex scared the shit out of me. I kept imagining his face and that creepy smile and feeling pain and being scared. I was still scared for a while after him.”

“The first moment it ‘started’ was one night at the gym…I remember doing really well on the treadmill that night and feeling proud of myself as I was slowly dialing down the treadmill. Once I got off and went to stretch out, though, I began to feel scared. My entire body started shaking and my heart rate wouldn’t come down. I felt very dizzy and panicked.”

“He hit me.”

“I would isolate myself from friends and family and say I’m busy so that I wouldn’t have to explain to anyone how I was feeling or pretend to be happy while sipping on my vodka soda at a party.”

“I was constantly terrified of being kidnapped or having my house burn down.”

“I have always felt the need to fight my mental illness.”

“I kept equating it to ‘being broken’ and I wanted to avoid having more problems than I already do.”

“I was mistreated by my father.”

“I walk into a party and I panic and I have to leave. I can’t stay there.”

“My self-esteem hit rock bottom and I had to constantly ask for approval from other people.”

“That moment was so isolating because I looked around and could see everyone else going about their lives.”

“Over the years, it started getting worse and started becoming easily triggered by the slightest things.”

“Nobody could see any of what was going on inside of me and it was very conflicting.”

“I hated my mind and I hated my body.”

“It definitely started in middle school when I was bulimic and then carried over to high school with partying.”

“My mom left when I was younger and my dad is always working, so I’ve always felt kind of abandoned.”

“I grew up in a house where being gay was something terrible. I haven’t told anyone in my family because I honestly feel like something catastrophic would happen.”

How does it affect you on a daily basis?

“I either just can’t bring myself to do anything or overwork myself to try to distract the things I’m feeling.”

“I really struggled to go out and have fun because all I could think about was somebody getting sick.”

“Puberty was a bitch. I think it is for all of us. I tried running away, I tried to ingest soap to see if I could possibly feel better, I thought life was meaningless—sometimes, I still think it is.”

“I hate the idea of being close to people. I hate standing near people, walking behind people, hugging people.”

“For me, one major source of anxiety was a bucket. My mental dialogue would go something like this… ‘There is a bucket in the kitchen. Last time my brother threw up, my mom gave him that bucket. Maybe he’s feeling sick. What if he throws up?’ In reality, my mom was cleaning the floor. But my brain was hardwired to connect buckets with my fear and therefore, buckets needed to be avoided too.”

“Last week I had a major step backward in my recovery.”

“I always carry with me Tums and make sure I have somewhere to go if I feel sick. Most people don’t talk about the ugly side of anxiety. The media tends to portray this glamorized/glorified version of our illness. You don’t see us waking up in the middle of the night in an anxiety attack and throwing up seconds later…For me, sometimes an anxiety attack consists of violent crying (what I assume to be my body’s way of trying to get things back to stable as quickly as possible) or throwing up with little to no warning.”

“When people ask me if I’m gay, I feel like I’m constantly on the defensive. I’ve been conditioned to believe that it’s a bad thing because of the environment I was in growing up.”

“My anxiety has started making me dread things. I dread classes, I dread homework, I dread marching band practice, I dread waking up.”

“I can’t trust males.”

“In 8th grade, when I moved schools, I began having major depressive episodes. This put a huge strain on my relationship with friends and family, I pushed away everyone who cared about me.”

“Over the years, my phobia has spread to include plastic bags, trash cans, stomach pains, amusement parks, wet spots on the carpet, spoiled food, and so much more.”

“It wouldn’t be the dumbest thing to say that maybe the reason why my depression has gotten worse is because my anxiety makes me want to stop.”

“My social skills were, and continue to be, a problem of their own. I think I’ve always tried too hard to impress people. Maybe to get attention, too. I think I’ve just always wanted people to acknowledge my existence.”

“I’m repulsed by the idea of sex and being touched.”

Have you utilized student health services? 

“I don’t trust them, but at the same time, I am doing no better than I was a couple years ago. I probably should try and schedule an appointment, but I’m not ready to.”

“Being at school is a challenge, especially having two jobs on campus and taking 5 of my major’s core courses. Adding clinical depression to that was not an easy thing to accept, but the counseling center at my school really saved my life.”

“I have thought about seeking therapy on campus, but talking about my issues to strangers never really comforted me.”

“I am the stubbornest person you will meet when it comes to reaching out to others for help. I came extremely close to contacting student health last year, and I’m still struggling to make that call.”

“Take advantage of the resources available to you. Student health is a great resource along with the many crisis hotlines we have through Western Psych [in Pittsburgh].”

“I utilized the health services program at my school last year when things were extremely dim. And while I do not believe this alone would have cured me of my condition, I know it did play a big part in putting me back on my feet. I attended a group session for students facing anxiety and met a girl who was afraid of passing out. Our phobias were both very similar, as anxiety frequently bring on feelings of nausea and lightheadedness, which both of us were afraid of. We bonded over having phobias that were made worse by feeling anxious! For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel so alone anymore.”

“I think you’ll find that there’s one person at student health who will always be there for you. Even if you can only find that one person, trust me, it’s worth it.”

“I have my first appointment with them next week.”

 

How do you cope with your illness?

“My strongest coping mechanism is art. I love the feeling of the paint gliding across the canvas, I love the smell of a fresh box of colored pencils, I love the feeling of opening up my laptop, turning on Adobe Illustrator, and getting started on my graphic design work. I have a huge stack of coloring books in my closet that are based off of art therapy.”

“I finally went to a psychiatrist after a traumatizing length of time where I would lay on my bathroom floor in my dorm to try to calm my breathing after having a million anxiety attacks a week over nothing which led to my diagnosis of generalized anxiety. I now take medicine that I’m very thankful for and would recommend to anyone.”

“With medicine and counseling I am very happy right now and doing better than I could have ever imagined. I used student health services last year to get back on my feet and get help with the transition to college. They were very helpful and referred me to another place that would better support my needs at the time. Currently I am on medication for depression and have continuous individual counseling. I like to exercise and do yoga to help cope, and used to journal a lot when I was younger.”

“Currently, I am on anxiety mediation (while still tinkering with the dosage) and I see a therapist.”

“I consider myself very lucky because my mom was a psychologist and a social worker. She knew more about my anxiety than I did and she gave me the tools I needed to face it. Cognitive therapy was the best thing to happen to me in middle school. Rather than the typical ‘how does that make you feel’ counseling session, cognitive therapy targets the connections your brain has made and slowly exposes you to them.

“One of my sessions involved listing all the uses for a bucket besides what I was most afraid of. Another session had me actually making vomit noises. It may sound silly, but this was the most helpful strategy for me to take back my life. Additionally, I was put on an antidepressant last year. While I did make an absurd amount of progress with my cognitive behavioral therapy, anxiety is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and sometimes, medicine is also required.”

What advice do you have for those trying to cope?

“Go to student health (or another trusted doctor with experience dealing with mental health issues) and get checked out. Around my diagnosis, my body was doing things that I had never experienced before, and it was much less scary having someone there checking on me every so often.”

“Get help. While I have experienced this all first hand, I have also experienced it second hand. I lost my uncle to suicide, and almost lost a boyfriend to suicide as well. It is extremely difficult to have depression, but also very difficult to witness someone you love suffer as well.”

“Don’t shut out the ones you love when they try to give you help, they always know the best ways to keep you grounded. Find what you love and what you’re good at and make it your favorite hobby. It’ll be the thing that you turn to when you’re down that will keep you happy.”

“If you are experiencing these feelings, you need to tell someone. Even if you don’t have the support system, you’re an adult so schedule your own appointment with a therapist and if they think medication would help you then give it a try because you will be eternally grateful for it and it might not just save your grades, but eventually your life.”

“Never let anyone else dictate whether or not you can be happy. Never let one scum-of-the-earth guy or girl control your destiny.”

“Keep your parents close. I think the worst part of life in high school was the distance that I created between my parents and me. That felt shitty. I think that’s some advice that I have for other people. Keep them as close as you can, and hug them, and tell them that you love them. And my parents always reciprocated the love. I think my dad actually helped me trust men again.”

“Open up about it. Because of the stigma it can be such a difficult process. Hell, I cried when my doctor asked me what the stressors were in my life. Such a simple question pushed me right over the edge. But they know to expect this, and were able to help me through the beginning of my diagnosis and understanding what it all meant.”

“Be comfortable with yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Gay, bisexual, more comfortable being a woman than a man – please be comfortable with yourself. But, if it gets to a point where you aren’t safe being who you are in a certain place, even when it’s with your family, don’t say anything that may put you in danger. If people can’t accept you for who you are, then screw them. Get them out of your life. Don’t put yourself in harm’s way. You aren’t the problem. They are. And they don’t deserve you in their lives.”

“Know that even when your mind tells you otherwise, people love you and you are valuable to your family and your friends. If you talk to your family and friends about how you feel, you will never have to go through this alone. You are loved.”

“When you feel ready, open up to your friends about your mental health struggles. They will then understand where you are coming from and can love and support you through it. I have found, much to my surprise, that when I ventured to share about myself, a shocking number of my friends struggled with the same things. You never know who else is struggling until you talk to them.”

“Know that you are not alone. For the longest time, I was ashamed of my phobia. I was ashamed that I needed to spent my Saturdays in the city to get help. I was ashamed that I had to take a pill every day to function. But at the end of the day, everybody is facing something behind the fake exteriors we put up. Seek the help you need, in whatever form you feel is right for you, and play the hand you’ve been dealt.”

“Surround yourself with people who make you happy. I lost four years of my life because I was afraid. I cried myself to sleep at least once or twice a week for four years. And I’m not saying that you need to go to a therapist or a student health center. I’m saying, don’t lock yourself in your room and curl into a ball. Don’t let yourself do it, no matter how safe you feel. Smell the fresh air”

“Never let yourself be comfortable with sadness or anxiety or depression. Never let yourself settle for that. Because once you’ve settled into that mindset, there’s no easy way of going back. As for me, until I find help, I’ve lost my battle. Just please don’t let yourself end up like this.”

[To me]: “I just want you to use whatever you’re writing to encourage people to get help with whatever mental or physical disorders they might have. My experience has opened my eyes and I’m working to become a counselor myself in the future. I’ve come a long way and I want as many people as possible to just be okay.”

Thank you to the twenty-one brave, inspirational women and men who shared their stories and words of advice with me and allowed me to share them with the world.

These are people who, despite negative stigmas associated with mental illness, were so open with me about their experiences. I am so inspired by those I have spoken to through the writing of this article, and my only hope is that at least one other can be touched by what they read.

S.J., University of Pittsburgh

D.H., Marist College

C.W., Rowan University

J.G., Florida Southern College

R.S., University of Pittsburgh

M.S., University of Pittsburgh

T.Y., Boston College

B.F., Rutgers University

H.A., University of Pittsburgh

O.L., Carnegie Mellon University

V.F., University of Pittsburgh

S.B., New York University

M.C., Liberty University

R.R., Atlantic Cape Community College

K.D., University of Pittsburgh

D.T., University of Pittsburgh

P.B., Stockton University

S.W., Rutgers University

H.K., University of Delaware

A.M., Duquesne University

S.D., University of Pittsburgh