The reality of getting older as told by a pre-adult

No matter how old someone is, they’re still old. This, to me, is a very sad and comforting thought. I’m not even twenty yet, and I feel aged. I’m not saying I feel ancient or near death, but definitely older. It is sort of hard to explain, but if you’re near my age, I bet you feel somewhat similar.

In this day and age everyone is so young and accomplished. I’m always hearing about how some seventeen year-old kid created a life saving medical device out of allege or how a three year-old can already name every element and all the bones in the human body. Here I am with dreams just as big, and maybe the ability to accomplish them, but I feel as though I am past my prime. I know that’s idiotic and not true, but still I feel so unprepared for the point I should be at in my life versus where I actually am.

me, when the child star cuteness was apparent

Something in my brain keeps telling me that I should have started a YouTube channel at least a year ago, so maybe I would have some sort of following now. And because I didn’t, now all I can think is that my possible internet fame will come even later, and by the time I get there I’m going to be old and crusty and unlikeable. Then again, that could just be my ridiculous anxiety popping up like a devil on my shoulder. Either way, I feel like I should be someone already. Not the “aspiring young adult” everyone keeps telling me that I am.

I feel as though I never did enough. In my nineteen years I have traveled to seven countries, been playing guitar for seven years, become a classically trained vocalist, and had a wide array friends and boyfriends. Honestly, I’m pretty well rounded. I have a lot of experiences, many that most people will never have, and yet it’s still not enough. I could have put out an album by now, or written a book, or been an extra on TV (or, literally, anything creativity satisfying).

Still in my prime for potential childhood stardom

Alternatively, I could have been more conventional and gotten better grades in high school, or played a sport, or could have been pretty and popular. Hindsight is twenty twenty, but my conjecture is that I didn’t fill my potential because I was focusing more on the ordinary parts of my life instead of the extraordinary. That being said, I would never change the memories I have or the friendships I made or the bridges I burned. All of those opportunities and chances, even the ones I’ve missed, have made me the person I am today. I am, relatively, proud of who I am.

who I am now (this picture is a year old ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

I was a ‘no-one’ in high school, and yet I feel like a ‘has-been’ in college. So I guess that actually makes me a ‘never-was’ (?). That’s even worse than a ‘has-been’. But maybe I’m lucky that I’m seeing this in myself now, because technically, I am still young and have the ability to make my mark on the world in the shape and size I want it to be. I don’t know where I’m going or really what I’m doing anymore, so I guess I’ll just try everything until I find what I want. Might as well enjoy the present while preparing for the future.