Becoming proud of my small boobs

I have always been very conscious of my breasts. Not self conscious or confident about them, just very aware of their existence. When I was in fourth grade, I can remember sitting on a bench alone when a friend came up to me and asked me “Catherine, are you wearing a bra? Because your boobs look big.”

That messed with me. I was simultaneously proud and so ashamed. I was visibly different than the other girls, which made the comment sound more like a cut than a compliment. But my ten year-old brain’s mild understanding of sexuality knew that boobs equaled growing up and sex appeal. I was glad to be more like the girls I watched on Degrassi. My body was changing quicker than everyone else’s. I wasn’t a chunky kid, so my boobs were actual breast tissue, my hips were getting a little bit wider, and I got my period the summer before fifth grade. I can remember calling my best friend at the time and telling her “Guess what I just got? It involves blood!” She had no idea what I meant and was pretty freaked out.

I didn’t have anyone to talk to who would understand what I was going through, and I believe that’s where my unhealthy relationship with my breasts (and my body) came to fruition. As I grew older, I thought that I would grow into a “very womanly” figure. I thought that was what my adolescence was all about, that- metaphorically- my body would pay the bills throughout high school.

I also believed that I was genetically predispositioned to have big tits, because my mom did (and that was a complete jinx on my part). I am half Chinese, so my body is curvy but very small. I’m proportionate, but I never felt like that my body was anything special.

Me on the right

I used to spend a lot of time making my boobs look bigger, and it became an unhealthy obsession. From sixth grade through seventh grade, I wore a push up bra every day to school. I thought it made me look prettier, and I felt more confident with a more “feminine” body type- even though no one else was thinking about my body but me.

I will say that I got a few looks here and there, and I had a “very serious” boyfriend during that time, but I wore my push-up bra knowing that I would not be taking it off in front of someone. So the only person who knew it was all padding was just me, and that made it OK in my mind.

In eighth grade though, I felt like it was too much of a lie, so I stopped wearing them all together. In high school, I became sexually active- I thought I had something to live up to. I was taking pills and doing certain workouts all in an effort to make them grow, but nothing ever worked. I toiled to make my body into that wonderful hourglass shape, but I always looked more like a flattened bowtie.

Even more depressingly, I couldn’t just wait anymore, because my body had stopped growing already. Throughout those four years I felt constantly disappointed with the way I looked, but I never appeared discontented. I deserve an award for the amount of confidence I’ve feigned over the years.

I have always dressed in tight clothing- skinny jeans, extra small t-shirts, cropped tops, short skirts, etc. All in black, I am all about it. That has always been my style. However, because I am so small, it never really looks “promiscuous” (not that the clothing someone wears shows how much sex they’re having or have had). I got away with showing midriff and thigh in high school because of my small stature. I never looked sexy, I was always edgy-cute.

So going into college, my style was the same, but something about my perceptions had changed. Somewhere between graduation and first semester, my small breasts had become an asset. I came to understand that my body as a whole is beautiful, and that my boobs are right for it. I realized that some shirts looked a million times sexier without a bra and that small tits stay perkier and younger looking longer.

Because I am so small, my look is really sleek and slim, and I don’t need the extra volume up top. I love not wearing a bra (my roommates hate it because I often pair the no-bra with no-pants)! The freedom is extreme – if you’ve never gone out in public without one, try it. Plus (if you’re still in high school and reading this) no bra means no bra straps that “totally and completely are a distraction in the classroom”, so you can’t get in trouble!

For so long I resented the fact that I’ll never have a traditionally womanly body. I’ll never be taller than five feet, (at my heaviest) I weigh 115 pounds, I have boobs the size of plums, and a pretty nice ass if I continuously work out. I don’t feel like that anymore though, and as my mind grows up, so does my view of my body.

When I look into the mirror now, I see someone who doesn’t have to try so hard anymore. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me, not even myself really. And because of that, my faked confidence has become real.

I have always been comfortable in my personality, and now I’m comfortable in my body too. It may not be perfect, but you better bet that I’ll werk what I’ve got.