My journey through depression in college

As I look back on my life the past four years or so and I wonder where everything went so wrong. When did I become so sad? When did I lose so much of my self worth? Why do I wake up each and every morning wishing I was someone else?

I never really realized how unbelievably happy I was until I woke up one day, and it was just all gone. Actually now that I look at it I don’t really think it happened like that. It was more of a gradual downhill spiral that I didn’t really notice at all until I hit rock bottom, so here’s the story of my ass-smacking rock bottom.

I was an all-state athlete in high school, and when you’re an all-state athlete it’s literally like the world is in the palm of your hand. I had interviews with different newspapers, colleges, and radio stations after my weekly volleyball games. I loved my team and after transferring to a Catholic school my senior year I couldn’t have been any happier with the people there who made me feel like family after having a miserable junior year at a different school.

After finishing up my senior volleyball season I’d honestly have to say partying became my number one priority. I loved hanging out with friends any chance I got, and drinking was easily mine and all of my friends favorite past time. But I was still happy despite being hungover daily, I absolutely loved my life.

The next thing I knew I was graduating high school – where the hell did the time go? I spent my summer constantly hanging out with my friends, but little did I know I was drifting farther and farther away from the people who truly cared about me- my family. As summer came to a close and I was moving into my college dorm room, I wasn’t even the slightest bit scared. I mean, hell, college away from your hometown with brand new friends is supposed to be the time of your life, right?

Wrong. Holy shit I’ve never been so wrong about something in my life. My roommate turned out to be a complete psychopath, and I didn’t think I could be any more miserable. Wrong again, as I moved out of my college dorm room and back into my parents house after my first miserable semester of college I finally knew what depression felt like.

As the months went past and I attended the local community college my depression didn’t even slightly subside. My anxiety was through the roof but somehow I managed to keep it hidden from everyone around me. I was in a pretty decent relationship, had what I thought were the best of friends, and I didn’t fail out of college yet – so why tell anyone how miserable I was deep down. I honestly came to the point where I thought if I just kept telling myself I was okay I could trick myself into actually being OK.

Let me just tell you, tricking yourself out of depression is actually not even close to possible, and it truly only makes things a million times worse. I ended up becoming so beyond depressed that I made decisions that I would never in my right mind make. I hurt people who I loved more than I love myself and I couldn’t stop the lies from flowing out of my mouth. I drank myself stupid almost every weekend just so I couldn’t feel the pain that was practically coming out of my pores and because of this- I ended up in a mental hospital for four days. That my friends, is where my ass smacked rock bottom.

A 20-year-old girl who once loved every single aspect of her life was now boyfriendless, friendless, and so far out of touch with her family that they couldn’t even look at her. But despite all of the pain, guilt, anger, and heartbreak, I wouldn’t take those four days in that miserable all white building back for anything. Going to that hospital was exactly what I needed. It showed me I wasn’t crazy for the mistakes I made or for how I felt. It showed me that depression isn’t something to be ashamed of, being on medicine to help you be happier shouldn’t be something you’re embarrassed of, and feeling like you’re worthless isn’t something you should ever have to deal with alone.

Now, a few months since I was in the hospital, I feel as if I’m a completely different person. It’s like I was drowning and someone finally saved me. I wake up happy, and I can finally look in the mirror without absolutely despising the person who is looking back at me. Yes- I may battle depression and anxiety for the rest of my life, but I will never ever be ashamed to admit it.

Sometimes you truly can’t control how the chemicals in your brain make you feel, but letting it go, hiding it from the ones who want to help you, and pretending everything is okay isn’t the solution. Getting any kind of help that you need and not letting anyone tell you otherwise is the greatest gift you can give to yourself. People always say depression is a downhill battle, but if you surround yourself with the right people and get the help that you need- it’ll only go uphill from there, that’s a promise.