We asked Penn Staters their best drunk stories

Penn State students occasionally like to party… hard. Think your alcoholic aunt who took her top off at your cousins sweet sixteen hard. Our nightly escapades have spawned some of the most bizarre yet intriguing stories I have had the pleasure of hearing or the misfortune of being a part of. After numerous nights of wandering the streets of “fratland” and drinking shitty jungle juice in downtown apartments, absurd, drunken stories just become a daily update.

The stories I managed to salvage from our compromised memories are written below in all their glory. From a guy scoring big in a bear costume to a girl who pepper sprays a dog: these are the most ridiculous drunk stories Penn State students have to offer.

WARNING: THE NAMES OF THE DRUNK IDIOTS  GENIUSES INVOLVED HAVE BEEN KEPT ANONYMOUS TO PROTECT THESE INDIVIDUALS IDENTITIES AND DIGNITY (or whatever they have left of it).

The kinky teddy bear

Last year, my friend calls me up to come pregame with him and then head over to a party in an apartment at The Meridian. I had just gotten over my hangover from last night at around 5pm so I wasn’t so sure. After about 30 seconds I made the decision that would alter my life. “Hell yeah lets go,” I responded. A couple tequila shots in his dorm later and we’re heading off to the apartment. We arrive – I have a couple cups of deceptively strong jungle juice, shots of Jim Beam and then…BAM! I wake up the next morning, roll over, and there’s this girl asleep in my bed. Nothing to out of the ordinary. Then.. I realize my arms a lot hairier then usual. Furrier, I would say.

I’m in a fucking life size Teddy Bear costume. She rolls over calls me Winnie and then asks me to get some coffee. I have ski class so I decline. I called my friend and he filled me in one what happened. Apparently my friend and I had broken into the toy shop, taken a life size Teddy Bear, and proceeded to cut a hole and put me inside of it and were walking back to the dorms. Apparently I kept yelling “I’m Winnie the goddamn Poo and I need some honey” which prompted the attention of a couple of girls and the critical glare of some kids at Canyon Pizza. Then, I walked right up to the girl and said “I still can’t find my honey, but you’re still pretty sweet. You’ll substitute well” with a mischievous, drunk grin. You know the rest. And I bear-ly remember it. I’m sorry that was too much.

Missing persons case

My drunkest story? Let’s just say if I had woken up a couple hours later than I did, I would be filed as a missing persons case. So, it was a Thursday night and my friend James texts me to come over to his dorm and try his “new concoction.” This elixir in particular he liked to call “suicide punch.” Five different types of alcohol, two different types of energy drinks and some Hawaiian punch. This was James’ greatest achievement. He looked like a proud father whose son had just hit his first home run in little league. So, me and a couple friends head over. To make sure we don’t go overboard, my friend Alyssa is tallying shots on our arms with a black sharpie. After about fifteen my mind gets hazy, but what happened the next morning is crystal clear.

I wake up in a bed that was not mine in a room that was not mine. I look at my arm and there are twenty-nine tally marks on my freaking arm. This kids bed is covered in blood, I’m covered in blood and I don’t know where in the shit I am. Then, the kid comes in the room looks at me and says “I’m going to need you to wash my sheets and by the way the police are looking for you.” Turns out this kid lives right next to me and I am one door down from my room. I go in my room and my roommate is screaming at me. As it so happens I got so drunk my friends put me to bed and left the room for all of two minutes. When they returned, I was gone and my bed was covered in blood. I sliced my ear open falling in the shower but they didn’t know that. They thought I was dead or kidnapped. So, after failing to check the room next to mine and searching for over five hours, they called the police. So, that morning, completely hungover covered in my ear’s blood I had to call the police, have them come to my dorm, check my ID, and confirm that yes I am myself and I am in fact not dead.

Bitch, you pepper sprayed my dog

My best drunk story? I have my worst, does that work? Alright, well here goes. I have this friend. She’s a little crazy. Well, a lot crazy. Every time she gets stressed out she goes in the bath for two hours. This happens about three times a day. A group of friends and I were hanging out drinking and smoking a little in my apartment. This girl, lets just call her Erin, finds out that her boyfriend is trying to cheat on her with me. I told her. I showed her the text messages because I wanted to be a good friend. I thought she could handle it. WRONG! So, she plots to to have her boyfriend come over to my place and she hides in the closet.

A half hour or so later her boyfriend arrives and she jumps out of the closet punching him, kicking him, and pulling at his hair. He goes around the table stacked with booze and bongs to try and get away but she jumps over the table. It was like slow motion. First, I see the Grey Goose knock over, then the Hennessy, then bong number one, two, then the bubbler. It was like playing dominoes but with all my expensive shit. Then she whips out a bottle of pepper spray, spraying it like a sprinkler all across the room. She hits her boyfriend, our friends and me. I look down and she sprayed my dog! My fucking dog! He’s crying and shaking and I pull out my taser and zap Erin. “Bitch, you pepper sprayed my dog” I shouted. Get this, this psycho keeps going. Dowsing my apartment in pepper spray and throwing a hard punch into my left eye.

Eventually, the cops showed up and asked her to leave. After the cops left and all my friends left I sat down with a nice bong rip to calm myself down. All of a sudden I hear a knock on my door and clear the smoke before opening it. It’s one of the cops and he forgot his notebook. I’m shaking and think he’s going to say something about the smell but he walks out the door. All of a sudden he swings back around and says “what’s that funky smell in your apartment?” I’m pleading with him now. “Officer I don’t want any trouble” I said. He laughs and gleefully exclaims “I’m fucking with you, you’ve had one hell of a night” and then leaves down the hallway. “Yeah, I sure did” I thought to myself before closing the door behind him.