Thanksgiving interrogation prep

Thanksgiving Day. The turkey is in the oven, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade is on TV and your overly aggressive third cousin twice removed has you in a headlock. Ahh, the holidays.

Whip out your secret flask, sneak some booze into the glass of flat ginger ale your grandma handed you and prepare for the inevitable questions you’re bound to hear at the table.

So, when are you going to bring a boyfriend/girlfriend to dinner? 

The question leaves the mouth of your senile aunt you haven’t seen since last Thanksgiving, and you know all eyes are on you. Staring down at your plate full of food, you contemplate jumping into oncoming traffic, but there’s no time. You have to react now!

“Oh, I’ve just been SO busy with my school work and going to church every Sunday that I just haven’t the time for a boyfriend/girlfriend!”

Nice save. All of mankind is applauding you.

Have you made any new friends up at school?

With my severe case of resting bitch face, it scares off even the thought that possibility. Of course there was that one girl that asked me to borrow a pencil that one day in class or the guy that bumped into me while waiting for the Blue Loop.

“Yeah, I made two new friends this semester!”

Now that I think about it, that bitch never returned my pencil. Make that one new friend.

How are your classes going? 

At this point in the semester, I would try to seduce my Accounting 211 professor for even a solid B. That wouldn’t work though because I’d have to look halfway decent in class and I’m pretty sure a blind giraffe has more sexual grace than I do. Plus, out of the 700 people in the lecture halls around 699 of them are coughing.

“They’re certainly keeping me busy, that’s for sure!”

Just vague enough to get the job done. Crisis averted.

4What have you been doing in your spare time?

Spare time? Wtf is that? Besides admitting to the day drinking, walk of shames back to your room and the numerous Netflix marathons you’ve had this semester, you can actually somewhat tell the truth.

“Well, when I’m not in class it seems like all I’ve been doing is homework and studying. I go to the White Building a couple times a week, don’t worry Dad, I am using that gym membership you said I’d never use (nervous laughter while shoving stuffing in your face).”

If one of your cousins hasn’t called you out on all the bullshit yet from the exposing Facebook pictures you’ve been tagged in, I’d say it’s safe to say, “Press on!”

What do you plan on doing after you graduate?

I have trouble planning out what I’m going to wear tomorrow, let alone what I’m doing after graduation. At this point I’m better off dropping out and working at The Phyrst with the way this semester has been going. My GPA is probably lower than a drunk sorority girl’s standards.

“Well, I’m already applying at a bunch of places that deal with my major, so I’m just going to keep it up until I get hired.”

Employers will probably just use my resume and cover letter as examples of what they don’t hire at new hire orientations.

Anything fun happening on campus?

Anything fun…hmm. Well, there was the protest and that other protest against that one thing. Oh and there was a scare that a gunman was on campus last week, but that ended up being false. That party at the hockey house was pretty fun. The thought of the hockey house and jungle juice and Bacardi 151 still makes me want to vom, though.

“Just the usual classes and whatnot! I’ve been so focused on studying and helping my roommates with their homework that I don’t really pay attention to what’s happening on campus.”

I wasn’t exactly lying about helping my roommates, too, I mean only if holding their hair back counts.

What’s it like riding the bus to class every day? 

That’s a good question, because apparently deodorant is some ancient secret that’s been lost in the ripples of history. Although the better class may be “What’s it like GOING to class every day..” to which the answer would be I wouldn’t know. No matter when I take the bus, it’s always so packed with people, it’s tighter than a nun’s chastity belt.

“Well, they’re a little inconvenient, but I enjoy meeting the people that I do on the bus. It’s such a nice way to strike up a conversation with someone you’ve never met before, but might see every day.”

By the end of my college career, I’ll be able to hold my breath for hours.

Are your classes hard this semester?

No, actually, this receding hairline is just the new fashion trend I’m trying to start. I’m trying to go for the stressed out, contemplating how easy it would be to get in my car, drive away, and never come back.

“They keep me busy, that’s for sure!”

Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far far away from here.

Who was that boy/girl I saw you in a picture with on the Facebook?

Oooo…right. Some trap house thot took that picture of me with the fuckboi of the century. Maybe they’ll overlook him because he wears boat shoes, shorts above the knee and short sleeve button ups for dayz.

“Oh that was just a friend I made at a group study night in the library. We both went to the same bible study, too!”

God damn you, Mark Zuckerberg, God damn you.

Are you saving your money? You’re not spending it all, are you?

Lady, my piggy bank looks like one of those starving piglet banks. I’m more in debt than the economy. I forget what money feels like. The only green I see is the grass on my way to class. All the drunken weekends, bowls of Creamery ice cream and slices of Canyon really add up.

“I’m saving up all that I can! What I don’t give to the tithe, I save to my rainy day fund!”

I’ve got 99 problems, and a $100 could fix them all. Luckily, grandma’s always good for sliding me at least a $20 before I leave.

Happy Thanksgiving, Penn State! May the odds be ever in your favor.