We did a blind taste test of the cheapest vodkas

If three words could define college, they would be: cheap, shitty alcohol.

We decided to do a little experiment I like to call, “Guess the shittiest of the shittiest.” The shittiest being the shittiest vodka.

I kindly nominated myself to be the sober host of this little experiment while three brave souls agreed to (were tricked into) being the test subjects. Rhianna and Meghan (my two roommates) and Vince (Rhianna’s boyfriend) courageously (naively) gave consent.

I realized taking straight shots of shitty vodka might be traumatizing enough, so instead of blindfolding Rhianna, Meghan, and Vince (yes that was my original plan…), I had them sit on the couch in our living room, while I prepared them shots from the kitchen. I let each of them know ahead of time that there will be four rounds and each round will consist of either: Vladimir, Crown Russe, Pinnacle or Svedka. They must take the shot that I hand them, and then write down which vodka they believe it is.

No further instructions were given.

Round 1: Crown Russe

There is not enough money in the world….

Rhianna, Meghan and Vince cheersed to their first shot. After downing it like champs, they all came to the same conclusion that, “it wasn’t particularly awful.”

They all unanimously voted the Crown Russe as Svedka

Round 2: Pinnacle

Because we needed an excuse to finally finish the bottle that’s been chilling on our bar…

As I handed them each the second shot, Vince looked over at me to ask, “Can I have water to clean my pallet?”

However, instead of having water, they all decided it would be a great idea to chase the shitty vodka down with some good ol’ shitty Franzia…

(Drinking Franzia out of a straw as a chaser…If that’s your strategy to survive this, good luck! )

After taking the shot, repulsed looks appeared on all three of their faces. They began to flail their arms around while yelling in disgust at the repugnance that just slid down all of their throats. In unison, they matter-of-factly screamed, “It’s 100% Vlad!”

Round 3: Svedka

The classiest of the cheapest vodka…

I walked out of the kitchen and into  the living room to hand my roommates their third round of shots. All three of them were still traumatized from what they thought was Vlad and begged me not to make them continue.

Obviously, I made them continue.

The disgusted looks on their faces grew permanent as they tried to force this poison into their bodies. They boldly claimed to have just consumed Crown Russe. I quickly formed enemies.

Round 4: Vlad

The staple of every Penn State student’s freshman year…

My roommates begged for me to let them free. They asked if they can do process of elimination to guess which vodka the last one is.

But to no avail, I poured them each one more shot. I must once and for all answer such a critical college question: which is…the shittiest of the shittiest?

Before taking the final shot, Rhianna decided to switch cups with Vince because she, “wanted the one with less.”

Then, Rhianna tried to reason with me. Moments before beginning our experiment, Rhianna attempted to “slap the bag” for the first time in her life (she’s a senior… where has she been?). She embarrassingly failed managing to slap it completely out of Meghan’s hands and onto the floor before getting a taste of Franzia on her tongue. She vowed not to try again.

However, in that moment of desperation, she pleaded, “Please don’t make me take this. I’m begging.” Then continued, “I’ll slap the bag instead.”

The begging to stop continued until I told them to take their final shot. They all looked at me with more disgusted faces, courageously took the shot, and collectively agreed, “Wow. That shot was not that bad.” They voted it must be Pinnacle.

So which cheap vodka wins the title as the “shittiest of the shittiest?”

According to this experiment, Pinnacle is the shittiest of the shittiest at a slightly more expensive price.

Svedka received the second strongest reaction. Crown Russe came in third.

And Vlad was… wait for it… the EASIEST of the four shots to take.

After revealing these results to my subjects, Vince daringly admitted, “Vlad wasn’t that bad.”

Which vodka do you think is the shittiest of the shittiest?