It is impossible to go ‘under the radar’ at Penn

We’ve all had those days when we haven’t wanted to see anyone and hoped, prayed, wished, that you could walk from Greek Lady to VP without bumping into everyone you know.

Locust is kind of like a black hole of missed lunch dates and awkward hand gestures as you pretend you’re rushing to class which starts in five… days.

9.30am

You bump into your TA at 9am. You have on an oddly large t-shirt and spandex with your dress from last night in your hand… Hmm… Interesting.

Your TA brings up his office hours since you haven’t attended your recitation in approximately two months.

“Oh this? Yeah I’m just on my way to the dry cleaners. Supporting the economy, haha, good, well I better be going before they close. See you on Thursday!”

“It’s on Friday.”

Well isn’t that just grand, Alfred.

1pm

You just rolled out of bed, literally rolled because you finished three pints of Ben and Jerry’s last night. Serving size: four, yeah, all four me.

Somehow, somehow, you run—who are we kidding, walk—into the guy you hooked up with, wearing his shirt… With a stain. “Don’t see me, don’t see me… Oh hey!”

You panic and go in for the handshake, he goes in for the hug and you both start doing some capoeira shit, finally settling for a fistbump. He says, and I quote, “see you around.” My dear friend, I sincerely hope not.

5pm

It’s now afternoon and you just came back from the “gym.” And by gym I mean you walked around wearing sneakers for twenty minutes trying to find a dining hall that’s open after like, 3pm.

You’re walking to Fisher Fine Arts as you see a cult of frat brothers in all black secretly plotting world domination in front of VP. The minute you pass the button you’re suddenly on hipster territory so you grab the nearest beanie and walk into that red brick building that we all know and secretly hate.

5.04pm

You last a total of four minutes in Fisher before people realized you were an indie imposter. Hey, you were screwed the minute Arctic Monkeys became mainstream and they started serving pumpkin spice at Starbucks.

5.07pm

You see your ex best friend talking to your SFL (Save For Later) at Frontera. You want to stop, guac, and roll right on out of there but it’s too late.

She looks at your sweatpants and says: “Did you have a midterm today?” “No it’s a free country… Oh shit. I do. I do have a midterm.”

6pm: Econ Edition

You run to DRL which basically means doing a half marathon while simultaneously taking a tour of the whole campus… and Drexel. You start on the multiple choice and calculate the answer 55. You look at the options: 3, 20, 79, and 164. 79 it is.

Five minutes into the exam and you’re wondering if PPE counts if you can’t do Econ… or Politics.

7pm

You’re sitting in the rain and you feel like you’re in a bad Lifetime movie. To make matters worse, you feel personally victimized by Starbucks new coffee cups (@John Vella).

Don’t you hate when the curve doesn’t bump your 45 to a 90??

7.30pm

You steal Josh Lauder’s longboard when he isn’t looking and head back to the Quad. You eat a pint of Half-Baked which hits you on a spiritual level and start calling everything “psychadelic.”

8pm

When you have a Russian lit paper and a Bio lab due tomorrow, the arguably only thing worth doing is going to sleep.  Especially when its 8 pm on a Thursday. Who goes out on a Thursday anyway?

3.20am

“Sarvenaz why did you take an Uber from 15th and Sansom?”