The official survival guide for broke college students

College is a wonderful place full of delicious food, cheap booze, and endless fun. Unfortunately, there’s also very few times in life when you’ll encounter such crippling financial struggles.

Because of this, I’ve decided to compile a list of the most clever ways to save money and avoid breaking the bank every week.

Don’t subscribe

I mean to ANYTHING! (other than The Tab hint hint )

Sure that Spotify premium account is super convenient, but you’re entering in to a marriage that could have disastrous results when it comes time for that monthly subscription fee. Dollar Shave Club? More like Unexpected Monthly Overdraft Club, amirite? Take it from me, you can easily use the same razor for at least a month at a time.

Don’t keep your head up

You can’t afford this

There’s nothing wrong with a little optimism (although you’ll probably still be poor for a really long time), but I recommend keeping your head down during weekly trips to the Campus Liquor Store.

Anything on a shelf more than six inches off the ground is wayyyyy out of your budget. If you really want to shoot for the stars, try saving up for a bottle of Bacardi Rum to fill up with Admiral Nelson every time you have friends over.

Don’t date

Even if you find a man or woman who’s loaded, there’s countless hidden fees. Best case scenario, you find a significant other whose family takes you on all-expenses-paid trips to Spain every year.

Guess what – between Uber rides, passports, and international phone bills you’ll still wind up breaking your terminally ill bank.

Always wear pockets

Whether you’re going to Out-R-Inn or seeing Zootopia for the 4th time, there’s always an opportunity to smuggle in treats. Guess what? If you put Natural Light in a cup you snagged from a neighboring table, no one will know you’re poor.

Also, Taco Bell is right across the street from Gateway and nothing maximizes movie enjoyment like a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Just because your pockets aren’t deep doesn’t mean you should miss out on all the fun that OSU offers.

Donate plasma

I’ve been there many times and trust me, it’s not as gross as it sounds. They just pump blood out of your arm, take out the plasma, and pump the blood back in to your body. Actually, on second thought I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it… do not donate plasma.

Strip

Sure having old men with the charisma of Ted Cruz objectify you sounds like hell on earth, but there’s got to be loads of cash in this industry. In fact, here’s a link to a website called “Hunks & Babes” that is hiring dancers. Financial independence may be one public degradation away!

There you have it. Financial wellness is achievable, and these everyday lifehacks will help point you in the right direction. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go cash out my Venmo balance if I’m gonna be able to afford laundry this week.