How I got through my emotional emptiness in college

I was stuck in a rut. Not the nine to five work rut, where you grudgingly wake up to start your day full of classes, homework, and meetings, with the effort in finishing everything just so you can watch Lost with Chipotle stuffed in your mouth.

This was an emotional rut.

I woke up at 6:30am to start my routinely based schedule. Get out of bed. Go to class at 8am. Homework. More Homework. Get lunch with a friend. Class. Homework. More Homework. EVEN MORE HOMEWORK GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY. Project. Class. Workout. Meeting. Bed.

Except I never got out of bed.

I woke up with groggy eyes that morning looking at my alarm clock, glaring at me.  And it wasn’t just that morning. It was every morning. For a semester.

I felt nothing. No frustration for waking up early, no worry in finishing my homework, and no regret for obtaining a 1.8 GPA. I was a hollow husk with no insides. I had no concept of emotional range within me. I wasn’t mad, happy, sad, angry, or defeated. I was living with no purpose or reason, and I couldn’t figure out why.

Let’s just imagine that emotions are a color range. Blue is sadness. Red is anger. Yellow is happiness. Green is anxiousness. The list goes on and on.

I like to think depression is the color black. Every color has a different spectrum of light, with different wavelengths and frequencies, representing itself with scientific data (red’s wavelength is 620,740).

Black by definition, is the absence or absorption of light (0,0). While every color has an emotion, like red having anger, black has none. Nothing exists for black. It sucks every other emotion up and leaves you with absenteeism of feeling.

Don’t get me wrong, I was craving to feel yellow, red, green, all the colors of the rainbow, but something just wouldn’t allow me too. I didn’t feel normal.

I don’t want to say I was depressed, because frankly, it’s not fair to those who have been clinically diagnosed with it, especially with “depression” being used more as a blanket term for some other reason, rather than relating it with someone who has actually gone through it.

The worst part of feeling “black” was that I didn’t know why. I had problems in my life, just like everyone else does, but even those didn’t affect me anymore. Maybe it was the weather. Maybe it was my classes. Maybe it was me. I didn’t care. I wanted to hide away from everything.

And so I did.

Currently, I am grateful to say that I am leagues better now than I was back then. There are some things I did that, unfortunately, resulted in the way that I felt, and taking responsibility to fix them was a major key (DJ Khaled) to success in feeling better.

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, and while these keys were helpful for me, they might not apply to everyone else. I don’t claim to be an expert on “depression” or how it works, just merely how I dealt with my feelings being around it. 

Don’t overlook diet and exercise

While others may think diet and exercise is common sense, I overlooked its importance. This is singlehandedly the most important thing ever, more important than DiCaprio winning the Oscar. If you have a habit of eating processed foods and making 3am Taco Bell runs, it’s guaranteed to make you feel like absolute garbage. Not only is there enough evidence out there to prove that eating healthier and exercising is linked to longer and healthier lives, it also makes you feel emotionally uncluttered and happier in general.

Consistency and discipline is far more important than fleeting motivation. Motivation is for pumping out your last rep at the bench press, not for encouraging you to go to the gym all the time (it fades, quick). Take in discipline and responsibility in making sure you go on a strict schedule, regardless of how much time you actually spend working out. No matter how shitty or lazy I felt, I made a promise in taking responsibility for forcing myself to workout. It’s hard, but worthwhile, and I haven’t looked back since. If you feel down and can’t figure out why, look at your diet and exercise, they are capable culprits.

Cut the weed and alcohol down

This is the 21st century, I get that people don’t just swear their life to the ancient Shaolin Monastery of sobriety. Just with anything else, moderation is key. If you have a habit of smoking weed and getting hammered every night just to make yourself feel better, I promise you, it only makes it worse. All it does is takes happiness from tomorrow. It’s hard not to rely on excessive use to get you through the day or night, but a mixture of unstable emotions and intoxication is a terrible recipe for self-destruction, especially for those hovering around darkness.

Quit watching porn, seriously

I feel like this one pertains more to the guys than the ladies, but this goes for anyone. I’m not naive to think that I’m the only one on this campus that has watched porn to make myself feel better. It absolutely kills your willpower to take action. I’m not an expert on porn addiction (Though I have written a paper on it, don’t ask why), but without boring you with science, I will say that it completely screws up your reward system. Every time you watch porn, dopamine is released (a natural chemical in your brain that releases when you are rewarded with food, sex, etc.). Too much dopamine, and say goodbye to your hormonal balance. I ended up relying on dopamine to feel better, and it’s no surprise that I was too lazy to fix my crisis. Cut out the porn or at least limit it, it only makes things infinitely worse.

Side note: some of the most influential people in history had superbly high sex drives that contributed to their amazing success (Abe Lincoln, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Napolean Bonaparte). Itching for triumph? Quit wanking your gator.

Find your meditation

One of the best ways in helping me feel better was practicing meditation. When I say meditation, it doesn’t have to be limited on sitting down and focusing on your breathing. I tried practicing meditation and yoga in hopes that it would help me feel better, but I wasn’t totally in love with it. That doesn’t mean you can’t find things where it allows you to meditate. I always had a knack for film and photography, and every time I’d go out to take pictures it would allow me to effortlessly enjoy the moment, which helped me feel more like myself. If you have trouble finding out what your meditation is, try forcing yourself to do 10 different things all in a short span. Join a new club, take up a new language, learn to longboard, walk to a place you’ve never been before. No matter how scared or nervous you feel to do it, do it anyway. You’ll be glad you did in the future.

Therapy

People often think that therapy is a weird conversation between you and a psychiatrist, who’s trying to pry into your deepest darkest secrets in order to solve them. Wrong. A therapist isn’t a miracle worker, they aren’t there to solve every problem you throw at them, and they are also not there just to listen. A therapist is a tool to help you understand the way you think and feel; they are uncovering things about you that you may have not been aware of  before. There are many resources on OSU campus for counseling and guidance, it just takes one google search, and bringing out the effort within yourself, to go. I promise, it’s one of the most helpful things for people that feel like they’ve exhausted every other option.

With that said, therapy isn’t just limited to a therapist. Even if you don’t think there are people out there that care about you, I assure you there are. Talking about your state of mind and letting your emotions out in the air tremendously helps. Bottling them up inside isn’t fair to you, or the people that want to see you in better shape. People are always willing to help, and you have to let them inside to see any progress. This isn’t an overnight fix, it takes responsibility on your part in the way you feel, something I also had to take responsibility for. It’s not an easy battle to face, but things that are worthwhile never are.

P.S. If you are in a similar boat, and still seem to be lost, don’t hesitate to reach out to me through a quick message. I know how it feels to be alone and helpless, and no one should deserve to go through it alone. Please, talk to someone.