If OSU bars were political candidates

Politics and bars. Depending on which day of the week it is, there’s a good chance you’ll find yourself talking about one of the two.

Whether you feel Bern, or you’re looking to make America great again there’s bound to be some personal truth for everyone in this groundbreaking epiphany I have bestowed upon the Ohio State student body.

Bullwinkles – Donald Trump

Bulls hit the college bar scene only a couple of months back, but it seems like the only bar anyone talks about. This place is loud, obnoxious, and ever so controversial, but people inexplicably flock to it. Also, if there was a reality TV show about Bulls I would totally watch it.

Midway – Ted Cruz

Where are you most likely to encounter some creepy, sweaty dude with the personality of a mop bucket? Midway of course. Let’s be honest, the only reason people don’t talk more about Midway is because Bullwinkles is right down the street and is ten times more crazy. Sorry Midway, if it wasn’t for Bulls, you’d be the one topping news headlines. Better luck next time.

Bernie’s – Ben Carson

No, I’m not going to make this one Bernie Sanders. Believe it or not, the guy comparing college bars to politicians actually has a little bit of editorial integrity.

Bernie’s isn’t your typical college bar – it attracts a special type of crazy. In fact, here’s an idea: “Who said it, a drunk townie at Bernie’s or Ben Carson?” Here’s the first two entries: “if there had been no gun control laws in Europe at that time, would six million Jews have been slaughtered” and “ObamaCare is the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery” (hint, they’re both Ben Carson)

Anyway, you may be surprised that Bernie’s has finally left the college bar scene, but more than likely, you’re wondering what it was even doing there in the first place.

Out-R-Inn – Bernie Sanders

This bar is an outsider for sure. Even though it’s old and decrepit, there’s something that young people just love about this place. There was a time when I was actually considering giving my full support to Out-R-Inn until I decided that it was just a little too far to the left (sorry… North) for my taste. One thing’s for sure though, this bar is not a fan of the one percenters down the street at The O Patio.

Ethyl & Tank – Hillary Clinton

Let’s be honest, this place was born and raised to be a college bar. While bars such as Out-R-Inn or Bullwinkles may be considered “outsiders” to the traditional college scene, this one is a professional college bar through and through. It has a lot of similarities to its presidential predecessor Chumley’s though, so if you’re a lover of Schooner night, Ethyl & Tank is a safe bet to make in the coming election.

I-Bar – Marco Rubio

I have absolutely nothing wrong with this bar, but let’s be honest, as time moves on, it will undoubtedly fall into obscurity. I-Bar is really just too small and insignificant to be anything more than a space holder in between more vocal bars with larger personalities. I can talk about how much I hate Midway until I’m blue in the face, but at the very least, I’m talking about it. Sorry to say it I-Bar, but you never really had what it takes to hang with the big dogs.

Mama’s Pasta & Brew – John Kasich

The thing I respect most about this place is its grit. Bars have been shutting down left and right around OSU, but this one is still open. Sure, it’s not thriving, and it’ll probably be the next bar to go, but it’s fun to root for the little guy every now and then.