Why can’t we have a real Starbucks on campus?
We have the luxury of crossing North High Street to go off campus, just to get to a full service Starbucks
Do you see that little hole in the wall to the left of Urban Outfitters? Yeah, that’s Starbucks. So close, yet so far away.
Here at OSU we have Starbucks, but not on campus. No no no. We have the luxury of crossing North High Street to go off campus, just to get to a full service Starbucks to get our iced green tea lemonade, flat white, or our passion tea (stirred not shaken).
Why don’t we have a (insert profanity) Starbucks on campus? Shall I list some schools that do?
University of Toledo. Starbucks. Indiana University Bloomington. Starbucks. University of Michigan. Starbucks since 2013.
Michigan. Just let that sink in kids. Our friends at Michigan even have an Au Bon Pain! What do we have? We have a Terra Byte. No silly, it’s not a disease, it’s a cafe.
All us loyal Starbuckers want to do is use our gift card to get stars and get that free cup on our birthday.
We want to feel that sweet sensation when we take a sip of the coffee that is labeled as Anna’s! It’s my name! It’s not a cup with a blank side. That cup is unmistakably mine (even if it is spelled wrong).
So what do we have on our campus you ask?
Well, we have a brand called Crimson Cup. We also have cafes that “proudly serve Starbucks”. In all honesty and fear (I work for campus dining and biting the hand that feeds you is weighing heavy on me right now) Crimson Cup has its charms and is around the same price as Starbucks’ mochas, lattes, and cappuccinos, so no problem there.
However, the conundrum is this: why can’t we have full service Starbucks on campus (emphasis on the full)? Is it because one will have more business than the other? Hint, wink, nudge Starbucks. A Starbucks that accepts the gift card, gives gold stars, gives the demonic holiday cups, and writes my freaking name on the side is all that I want. Yet, we have cafes that “proudly serve it” that don’t write my name on the side, don’t accept gift cards, and they completely ignore the reason for the season! What is this sorcery?
Why be so butt hurt about it?
Because Michigan.
We all secretly want to achieve an off the chart swagger in the dead of winter with a cup of Starbucks in hand and a creepy smile resting on chapped lips. That is our desire.
Cough. Michigan.
Instead, we are subjugated to having to walk over yonder to the RPAC or on North High Street just to get a taste of Starbucks because the only cafes open on the weekend, you guessed it, serve Crimson Cup.
Even if this horrid issue does not resolve itself by the time I graduate, I feel it is my duty as a semi-old lady to create a comfortable path for the young ones that will come after me because I believe that the children are our future, and I can’t stop, and I won’t stop cuz it’s we who…yeah, just think of Miley’s rebellious nature and then think of me.
Also, Michigan is actually winning at something and, unfortunately, I’m kind of jealous.
Muck Fichigan.