I hate the people in my dorm, what do I do?

Auntie Barbara is here to answer all of your pressing downtown NYU-based questions. Every week our astute aunt  will publish a thoughtful response to a range of queries, from rankling roommate issues to haunting memories of debauched drunken nights out and everything in-between. Send your questions in and let brilliant Babs throw her two cents your way. 
Dear Barbara,

I’m dorming with absolute shitbags. What do I do?

Name not given

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Hi Name not given,

I know all too well the trials of cohabiting with cunts. And no, that isn’t too strong a word. Dorm life, by its very nature, is brutal. Unfortunately you have given no details about your exact situation, so I’m going to have to generalize.

We’ve all been there. If you’ve lived in a dorm, the likelihood is that you have both experienced a shitty roommate and, at times, been the shitbag yourself. However, if it is habitual dickish behavior that has pushed you over the edge, it needs to be addressed.

Perhaps you’re tired of being greeted by a steaming, unflushed turd every time you wanna take a piss. Maybe you’ve somehow adopted a third roommate in the form of your dormmate’s other-half. Or perhaps your suitemate’s vibrator isn’t nearly as quiet as she thinks it is. Whatever the problem, you must deal with it ASAP.

And you must do so as passive aggressively as possible. Forget about “being mature.” Do not bother “contacting the RA.” These are the myths college students are told. The myths that keep us miserable and resigned to our fate as unhappy dorm dwellers. The sad truth is: there is often no mature way out of a roommate debacle. If your roommate is an unreasonable POS, then there is no way that they’ll appreciate being dragged into your RA’s room to have a “little chat”. I don’t care if this cunt is your freshman bestie, or a random placement. Either way, you only have one option.

You need to initiate Aunty Barbara’s Two-Step Roommate Revenge Plan©. This plan is effective when executed properly, but it is a delicate beast. It’s beautiful because of it’s simplicity, but it’s temperamental due to its fragility. Nonetheless, when the bitch won’t behave, you only have one choice.

Get even. Get out. That must be your mantra for the remainder of the semester. Do what you need to do to quench that Darwinian lust for revenge, and then vacate the premises. Do a bed swap, squat in an apartment (Squatters’ Rights, yay), live in the lower levels of Bobst. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you “Get Even, and Get Out”.

That doesn’t sound very mature, you say? No, you’re right. It’s not. But your roomie wasn’t very mature when they used your towel to mop up that drunk girl’s piss, were they? Don’t forget about the time they ate all your fucking Nutella. Your. Fucking. Nutella. The truth is that we can’t always reason our way out of every situation. Sometimes, we just have to do what feels good, not what necessarily looks good from an outsider’s perspective.

Sometimes, there is no moral “right”. The high road can indeed lead to a dead-end. And when it does, you must take the lowest road possible without getting on the wrong side of housing, or the law.

Auntie Babs encourages you to savor every step along that low, low road. After all, they started it.

xoxo

Auntie Barbara

Every week our Agony Aunt Barbara solves your problems – email [email protected] to share yours.