My mission to see Beyon- I mean Global Citizen Fest for free

September 17, 2015, 6.22pm

Gotham Casting sends an email saying they have extra tickets for this year’s Global Citizen Fest. I see Beyoncé is a headliner and I’m lowkey obsessed with Coldplay.

September 24, 2015, 2.19pm

Ah there’s a catch: I have to stand in line in than Times Square to receive the tickets. Must be there at 10am on Saturday, September 26. I text a friend and she’s down.

September 26, 2015, 7am

The day has finally arrived.

8.30am

After a ride on the L, then the Q (thank the heavens for express trains), we arrive at Times Square. Shit, the line is long. Wait a minute? Is that a friend we know standing at the front of the line?

9am

A girl finally complains about my friend and I cutting the line, 30 minutes after the fact. We exchange a few words and I give her a Kanye West shrug, just because she had 30 minutes to say something and never did.

10am

We receive the tickets and are informed to tag Gotham Casting in any social media posts. There was an abundance of tickets (easily 1,000), confirming that my Kanye West shrug was justified. Also I never tagged Gotham Casting.

10.07am

There is word that people who show up to the Great Lawn between 12 and 2pm, may get their tickets upgraded to VIP. That’s the next mission, but we decide to get food before heading to Central Park. Apparently that’s a major issue in Times Square, because most restaurants don’t open until 11am.

12pm

We all look at our tickets and see that we’ll be separated by an East Gate entrance and a West Gate one. My friend and I head to the East Gate at 72nd Street, but have to walk down a couple of blocks. There must be 10,000 people in front of us who stood in line since the previous night. Thanks to a bus crossing the street where the line is divided, we’re able to play the game of “I guess this is the end of the line” and cut around 66th Street.

12.45pm

We finally enter inside of Central Park and the line is still moving slowly.

1.30pm

We find out the line is moving slowly because there are three security check points. Michelle Obama is appearing and the TSA and Secret Services are needed. A security staff member (from an independent company) gives the people standing in line a tutorial on how to smuggle pot into a concert in case of a pat down. The trick? Hold the joint(s) in your hand with your fist closed. No one checks the palms.

2.48pm

We finally get to the TSA and Secret Services checkpoint. Suddenly, one officer receives a call and tells the crowd to back up and wait for ten minutes. They start deconstructing their security check point and allow for everyone to enter the festival without checking them.

3.04pm

We explore the grounds and spot the food options. They suck. Only cold picnic food. No Chinese cuisine, no Indian cuisine (you would think Global Citizen right?) Hell, no hamburgers. Oh and alcohol? Nope.

3.06pm

While continuing to explore the grounds, we notice we’re fenced in. We’re in Pen #4 with 14 porter potties, a few food stands, and a merchandise stand. Somehow the staff lead us to designated sections (every pen was the same.) My friend receives a phone call from our other friend and she’s upset we can’t meet her in Pen #5. We’re separated for the entire festival. We also find out Beyoncé is not the headliner, and in fact it’s Pearl Jam.

3.08pm

We’re standing in line for the bathroom and find out that people are upset that the promised water stations at this year’s festival don’t exist. People are forced to buy water for $3. Rumor also has it that TSA and Secret Services left because Michelle Obama would not be showing up.

3.46pm

We finally get all the food we believe will hold us for the entire festival so we don’t have to stand in line again. The cashier removes the caps from our bottled waters to prevent littering, which makes no sense because they’re giving us prepackaged food in a bunch of wrappers.

4pm

The food is horrible and it’s hard to contain all the wrappers. Stephen Colbert and Hugh Jackman do a corny bit to open up the show.

4.10pm

Coldplay finally plays. I’m happy because their set is amazing. And it’s starting to smell like 420 around us.

4.25pm

Ariana Grande.

4.48pm

Somehow our out of town friends end up in the same pen as us. Now our group becomes two to four, and they say the lines to get inside the Fest are still taking forever.

5.11pm

Bill Nye the Science Guy.

5.15pm

Out of town friend freaks out because Sophia Bush appears on the screen. Yeah, by the way, we can barely see the stage that feels 10 miles away from us. People around us go “who’s that?”

5.31pm

Leonardo DiCaprio. Everyone starts freaking out.

5.34pm

Sitting on this lawn is hard as fuck. Literally.

5.36pm

“HEY IT’S BIG BIRD” yells a man. Yep, the big yellow creature is on stage.

5.39pm

Ed Sheeran comes out. I decide this is the perfect time to stand in the long line for the bathroom, because Beyoncé comes out at 7.30 PM. I almost stepped on a sleeping lady.

5.41pm

Where is a tree I can use?

6.50pm

Release! After standing in line for an hour and 9 minutes, I made some new friends and overheard some unrepeatable things. Also Ed Sheeran’s set sounded nice; unfortunately there wasn’t a screen to see it.

7.25pm

Salma Hayek appears on stage and keeps the crowd on edge until she-

7.30pm

Announces Beyoncé. During Beyoncé’s set, I realize she’s recycling her moves from a stream of Made In America I saw last week. I like the performance, but I’m easily predicting what’s next. But I do love the ratchet side of Beyoncé (especially when she does her “Ring The Alarm” 2006 VMAs routine).

8.30pm

After an hour, Beyoncé closes her set and starts to act like she’s the closing act instead of Pearl Jam (with ending music and thanking her “opening acts” without a mention of Pearl Jam coming up). She then introduces Michelle Obama which takes the audience by surprise.

8.45pm

After her speech about the #62MillionGirls education campaign, the FLOTUS introduces Malala Yousafezi.

9pm

Malala stops speaking, and we leave like 20 per cent of the crowd. The classic case of our generation not knowing Pearl Jam’s music, and the case of a long day needing to come to a close.

September 27

I realize although Global Citizen Fest was hell, I got to do something for free while seeing Coldplay, Common, and Beyoncé all in one day. But never again. Never again.