What happens when three ND boys watch The Bachelor
‘That was the bitchiest fist pump of all time’
The twentieth season of ‘The Bachelor’ ended this Monday with bachelor Ben Higgins proposing to Lauren Bushnell over runner-up JoJo Fletcher.
‘The Bachelor’ is a show primarily watched by women, so I wanted to see what my guy friends thought of it. I had them watch the season finale with me, and these are their reactions. Before we started, I asked what they knew about it.
Bill, Ben, and Matt before they got pissed at Bachelor Ben.
Matt: I have seen one season before. And I watched like three episodes of ‘Bachelor in Paradise.’ Probably the worst tattoos I’ve ever seen.
Bill: I basically don’t know anything at all.
Ben: I know that JoJo wins and that Olivia is psycho.
After Chris Harrison recaps the previous episode, the guys share their initial thoughts.
Ben: Big mistake. Telling two girls he loves them.
Bill: He has to propose? What is wrong with this show? How are these parents ok with this?
Ben: Money.
Introduction to Lauren
Matt: She’s a flight attendant? What type of skills does it take to be a flight attendant?
Bill: Memorize her lines. That’s about it.
Introduction to JoJo
Bill: Seems a little smarter to begin with. Real estate developer.
Matt: That’s not saying much.
Introduction to Ben
Bill: He’s a fuckboy.
Ben: Your life sucks so much!
Matt: Dude, his hair sucks.
Bachelor Ben’s Mom to Lauren: “Have you seen the side of Ben where…”
Matt: …he sucks?
Bill: …he’s a piece of shit? His mom knows it.
Matt: His mom is the human version of an eye roll.
Bill: Lauren could be worse, but my standards are pretty low right now.
JoJo talks to Bachelor Ben’s mom and says,“He makes me feel so safe.”
Bill: Yeah because you’re in such danger otherwise. On a reality TV show. Her voice is so nasally and annoying.
Matt: Dude, my voice is nasally. That makes me feel bad.
Ben: Become a Mormon. Then you can propose to two girls.
Ben’s dad to Bachelor Ben: “JoJo considers you to be almost a best friend.”
Ben: Almost, but not good enough.
Date with Lauren
Matt: Who’s hotter, Lauren or JoJo?
Bill: Lauren has a weird mouth.
Ben: A weird mouth?
Bill: Like her teeth are weird.
Matt: Are you allowed to have sex on the boat in the middle of the sea?
Night with Lauren
Matt: His shirt sucks. How much does his hair suck right now?
Ben: How much does this show suck right now? I am not enjoying this.
Matt: Stop touching his ear! Stop touching his ear! That’s weird.
Bill: They don’t say anything. It’s just cliche after cliche.
Matt: Are you there God? It’s me, Ben.
Bachelor Ben: “You’ve stood behind me at all times.”
Ben: All the times, you know, when I wasn’t dating the other girls on the show.
Matt: Wait, why is she crying?
Ben: Because emotion! Drama! Conflict!
Date with JoJo
Ben: I hate this.
Bill: JoJo is definitely hotter.
Matt: The name JoJo rubs me the wrong way.
Ben: It just reminds me of the singer.
Matt: This may be the whitest show of all time. Wait, does Ben lift? Ben doesn’t lift.
Bachelor Ben: “I’m in love with 2 women. I don’t know what to do.”
Ben: Five minutes later: “I’m still in love with two women.”
Bill: Does he just flip a coin at the end? I think I’m team JoJo.
Bachelor Ben and JoJo go into a closet to talk.
Ben: [Imitating Bachelor Ben] “What I’m telling you is what I think, and what I think is what I’m gonna tell you. Synergy.”
Ben: I can’t feel bad for anyone on this show, especially him. She’s way too attractive, she’ll be fine.
Ben: Will someone tell JoJo I’m single? I will love you, JoJo.
*Ben is informed that he can go on The Bachelorette with JoJo.
Ben: My nightmare is becoming that guy. He’s still lost. How far are we in? He’s still lost.
Last Rose
Lauren: “I could be engaged today.”
Ben: You could also not be engaged. Ever think about that?
Bill: Ben went to IU? Makes sense.
Ben: He’s still torn! Ten minutes later and he’s still torn.
Ben breaks up with JoJo
Ben: Really? Really?? He’ll always be torn. That’s who he is.
Bill: Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry. I have no sympathy for him at all. He’s a horrible person.
Matt: I think he’s confused because he doesn’t know if he should be happy or sad.
Ben proposes to Lauren
Bill: Ben is a love whore.
Ben: “I’m torn. I don’t know what to do.”
Bill: But you love JoJo, too!
Ben: He doesn’t have a case on his phone because he’s a dumbass.
Ben: Can you ask for permission for marriage over the phone? I feel like that’s horrible form. He might as well have done it over text.
Bill: Or IM.
Matt: Or email.
Bill: That was the bitchiest fist pump of all time.
Matt: Fucking white people.
Ben: Are they on a trampoline right now? What is this? Congrats Lauren. You peaked on live TV.
Bachelor Ben tells Lauren she’s his person.
Matt: Bill, you’re my person.
Ben: Thanks, guys.
Bill: This makes me want to barf.
Recap of the episode with Chris Harrison
Bachelor Ben: “I came out a of this a much better man than when I started.”
Bill: That’s not saying a whole lot. Do you even have a soul?
Bill: I can’t remember a thing Lauren actually said.
Matt: I think she said “I love you.”
Bill: I think he got scared that JoJo had some intellect and could actually reason out what was going on.
Bachelor Ben says the process was hard and not always fun.
Ben: Yeah. Jamaica wasn’t always fun. Being surrounded by hot girls was so tough.
JoJo comes out
Bill: Damn, she looks hot.
Ben: That’s not an accident.
Bill: If you’re on this show, warning bells go off.
After being forced to watch 2 hours of “the stupidest show ever”
Final Thoughts
Bill: Lauren and Ben are good for each other because they’re both dumbasses, but they’ll last a year at the most. JoJo was the best of all three of them. Definitely felt bad for JoJo. She’s going to be ok, but I think she’s got crazy in her, too. And I will never watch this show again.
Ben: Number one: I’m never watching this show again: Number two and three: Same as number one. Number four: Go Irish.
Matt: It’s better mid-season when there are more people to make fun of. Also, if the main person sucks, it’s a lot worse to watch. Or better. I enjoyed watching it, but I would never go out of my way to watch it.