The absolute worst people at UofM

There are terrible people everywhere, sure. And we’ve all met them. Sometimes, they’re the people we all love to hate, like a know-it-all in class whose hand raising immediately leads to your rolled eyes. But let’s face it, we’re all know-it-alls; we go to school here. So let’s hear it for the worst of the worst, the bottom of the barrel, the last bit of watery egg in the South Quad dining hall:

1. The people who keep their bag/backpack on the seat next to them as others stand around on the bus. The driver keeps slamming on the breaks and the standing are holding on for dear life, but they keep that damn bag on a seat of its own, because apparently your Herschel is more important than a human being.
2. Girls in short skirts and heels in freezing temperatures. You know you’re going to get cold! Is it worth it?
3. The group of people talking loudly on 3rd or 4th floor Ugli. Just go downstairs, we’ve got exams to fail!
4. People who use their laptops in front of fishbowl computers. At least pretend to use the computers right in front of you. Or just go to one of the hundreds of other study spots all around campus. You are the absolute worst.
5. The kid who won’t stop referencing their mission or study abroad trip every time he/she raises his/her hand. We get it, we got it last month, and we will get it tomorrow. Please don’t make us curse the children in Haiti, it’s not their fault you won’t stop talking about your Global Brigades trip.
6. The group of people who walk 3 or 4 across on the sidewalk and don’t move over for anyone. Same with the people standing in the middle of the hallway. Just move to the side, that’s all we’re asking. Is that too much?
7. Pre-Med students. That’s it. You know it’s true. They might save your life one day, but in this moment you wish they would suture their mouth closed. Okay, not that aggressively, but everybody already knows that Nolta is cooky and cool, and that Biochem will ruin your life – just please stop trying to prove it to us. 
8. The people passing out flyers who follow you across the diag. If I am crossing the diag with my headphones on, walking away from you, it seems pretty clear I’m not buying what you’re selling. It’s not cute to shout after me, I am just trying to make Michigan Time. For those of you that are forced to hand these out for your various clubs, this isn’t a complaint about you. Not unless you follow poor strangers around.
9. Man-spreading in lecture halls (and the bus/anywhere else). Please stop, I don’t want to play accidental footsie with you in Psych 111. Girls do it, too, but at a much lower rate. Just everybody keep your legs closed tighter than what’s preached at a Catholic school.
10. The student that thinks they’re smarter than the professor. Do you have your PhD and you’re just in this class to remember the good old days? No? Well then please stop raising your hand and trying to teach the material back at the professor, you condescending asshole.
11. There’s a special place in Hell for those who go up or down the left side of the stairwell in Mason Hall. Do you think the rest of us are just not bright enough to think of it? That we are all moving slowly because we enjoy standing in line? And then, you look surprised when people come up the stairs and have to walk around you, you monsters. They even put arrows on the steps now just in case people can’t figure out something we’ve been doing our whole lives.

So please, walk like a normal human being, keep your hands to yourself, and just maintain a level of basic human decency and common sense, and you won’t end up the worst of the worst. Go Blue, and go down the right staircase.