How to swipe the card swiper’s heart

Have his flicky wrist and fingers all over you in no time

Dining hall card swipers are a complex breed. Any man who can stand there for hours sliding cards while being charismatic as fuck, is the kind of man you want and need in your life. They’re a limited stock in high demand on campus, so put your game face on, in order to get it on. Aim high, ladies. They’re professionals. I’m talking Nick G and Mojo Flicka-da-wrist guy (who will be sorely missed — he recently left his post). Here’s how to pluck their heart strings, or maybe just seduce the shit out of them.

Confidence is key

Approach the card swiping stand. Be sure to make a strong first impression with confidence as-yet-unknown to mankind. Devour him with your eyes, just like you’re about to devour that Squad pizza.

Get handsy

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When handing him your Mcard, make yourself memorable in a cute-clumsy type of way. Hand him your room key ‘by accident’ and shrug saying, “I h8 mondais.” Or maybe, fumble with your Mcard and drop it. Bend over to pick it up, and bend and snap, bitch! You were born to werk it.

Recall your rom-com flirting skills

Here’s where the magic happens. You finally hand him your Mcard, and you’re about to potentially brush hands (contain your middle school girly shriek). Let your grip on your card loosen, and let your fingers linger. *Cue fireworks*

‘Introduce’ yourself

Playfully note that you’re named after your dead great-grandmother so he’ll have to check out your card. Success. He now knows your name.

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If you think you can handle it, combine steps 3 and 4 to make your romantic encounter appear seamless.

Be mysterious

When he says those four magic words that can turn any woman’s pants into an absolute fucking slip ‘n’ slide — “Have a great meal” —  do that cute giggle of yours and just say “thanks” with a smirk. You want to keep him guessing, kind of like how you always have to guess what’s in the Dirty Burs casserole.

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Leave a lasting impression

When you’re finally leaving the dining hall, make sure he sees you just one last time — at least until his next shift. A foolproof way to do this is to squeeze some hand sanitizer into your hands before exiting. If you’re feeling extra saucy, give his sexy lil ass a squeeze too.

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Follow these steps, and you’ll surely have his flicky wrist and fingers all over you in no time.

Additional methods

  1. Bring him a dead animal. Guys really dig that.
  2. Steal some pheromones from your bio lab, and douse yourself. Let nature take its course.
  3. Compliment his sweater, and ask him where he got it. Proceed to buy yourself the same one, and then “accidentally” wear it on the same day as him. TWINSIES.
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