A psychoanalysis of every rando who’s slid into my Facebook inbox
They’re weirder than you can possibly imagine
Attention Facebook users: there is a segment of the Facebook inbox that compiles all messages from randos you are not friends with into a hidden chamber of embarrassment. This secret closet is called the “hidden inbox.”
Behold! A cornucopia of messages filled with misspelled words from a kindergartener’s vocabulary, sketchy emoticons with 3D Kylie Jenner lips, and serial killer date requests. These creepy reach-outs are just as romantic as Duke and Eunice’s date in She’s the Man, minus the “do you like cheese?” question and plus Borat’s “I like sex. It’s nice” affirmation.
While you’re procrastinating studying for your midterm scheduled the Monday after spring break (because you OBVIOUSLY have one) check out the hidden messages on your Facebook. I did, and thought I’d have some fun by coming up with my own background story for each mystery man (and woman) who chose to click “send” with absolutely zero shame. Take a look at my psychoanalyses — if you need me, I’ll be deleting my Facebook and reactivating my Myspace from 7th grade.
The world traveler
Voted “most changed” in high school, but in the worst way possible. Definition of the friend zone. Kisses and tells. Talks about his pet salamander Rafiki for way too long on the first date.
The multimedia stalker
Loves pina coladas, but hates getting caught in the rain. Secretly wants to make out with his sister. Can quote 13 Going on 30 from start to finish. Requests DJ to play Laffy Taffy at clubs.
The realist
Sits in the back of every classroom he enters, and always asks you for a goddamn pencil. Why doesn’t he ever remember to bring his own pencil? Claims he found FarmVille before everyone else did. A cat person. Got suspended for making a hit list in 6th grade.
The Adele enthusiast
Goes to college bars by himself at 4pm for “all the good deals.” A Latin major. Favorite person in the world is his grandfather, Eugene. Once swallowed a goldfish whole. And it wasn’t a dare.
The wolf in sheep’s clothing
Won a belly dancing contest on senior year spring break. Pronounces acai “uh-kaye.” Posts daily DJ Khaled quotes on her Twitter. Claims she is often mistaken for Scarlett Johansson, but in actuality she looks like Bert from Sesame Street.
The eager student
A pastry chef. Lives with 75-year-old widow, Esther, whom he found on Craigslist. Watches the Twilight series on every Valentine’s Day. Hobbies include looking up lyrics to rap songs and singing alone to himself in front of his 1990 Dell computer.
The wannabe brother
A hopeless romantic. Currently teaching himself how to ride a unicycle. Has permanent plumber’s crack. One of 14 children (all boys obvi), and lost somewhere in the middle. Gets too drunk at family functions off of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
The paradigm of persistence
Professional horoscope writer, but lives off daddy’s trust fund. Once cried in an IMAX showing of The Orphan. Hates olives. Loves fried pickles. Claims favorite show is The Walking Dead, when it is actually The Secret Life of the American Teenager.
The hopeful groom-to-be
A painter. Owns pants that unzip at the midcalf and the knee in every color. Has a Backstreet Boys poster… on his bathroom mirror. Orders pig liver on the first date. Favorite actor is Jamie lee Curtis.
The clearly illiterate
Massage therapy student. Only works on arms and chest at the gym. Reads Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul on the train to work. The only jokes he knows are racist. Has accidentally killed every pet he has owned.
The ellipses abuser
A dentist. Claims he coined the term “Netflix and chill.” Spent a summer in high school working at Spencer’s, but was fired for stealing the merchandise. Once starred in a porno called “Bush Gardens.”
The lonely boy
As Chandler Bing would say, he’s hopeless, awkward, and desperate for love.