A guide to being a complete shut-in during spring break

It used to bother me hearing about all these amazing places people are traveling to for spring break when I knew I was only going back to my hometown. But then I realized, for a week, I get to live as a true introvert should. So, for all of you traveling near and far to reunite with your beloved couch during spring break, here’s a handy tip: go completely AWOL.

I don’t mean “attempt to not talk to anyone for 24 hours and then go back to pretend-enjoying your old high school friends’ company.” I also don’t mean “watch 3 episodes of whatever Netflix series and call it binge-watching.” I mean to go legitimately, fully, 100% off the radar. Like, never leave your couch and have this view for the entire 10 days of break:

Happiest place on earth – sorry, Disneyland

Follow my advice, and you’ll be sure to have the most relaxing break ever — let’s get started, shall we?

Do not converse with humans

Except maybe your parents, because they’ll yell at you. If you’re anything like me, 90% of the time when people speak to me, they are annoying and/or pissing me off. And as much as I try to ignore everyone in existence at school, it is near impossible to go unseen on a college campus. 10 days at home is a serious godsend, so take advantage of that by becoming mute at every possible opportunity.

Ignore all your calls/texts

You can’t get annoyed and/or pissed off if you don’t allow anyone to speak to you in the first place. Even if you don’t think this certain person will bother you, how do you know they aren’t going to say something stupid like “I think I am going to vote for Trump” over the phone? I would tell you to turn off your phone completely, but then you would be deprived of essential-to-living apps (like Vine). If you can’t live without talking to others for 10 days, then I suggest only answering Snapchats to keep from engaging too much and giving people the chance to annoy and/or piss you off.

Forget the fake friends

Remember: those who didn’t check up on you during the school year should not get the privilege to hear about your college life just because you’re back in the same bleak hometown for break. Just because they now “have time” for you does not mean you must accommodate that. They’re just going to deprive you of valuable time that could be spent on important things — like the next episode of Jessica Jones, a YouTube tutorial about how to make butterbeer at home, or creating an amazing Spotify playlist. Besides, it is scientifically proven (in a limited survey of one person, me) that fictional characters are better company than real humans.

Do not leave your house

Listen to me. Outside of your house door lies a scary place. Real life human beings are out. DON’T DO IT. Don’t forget, when you are on break, so are a lot of other people. Therefore, every time you leave your house, you take the risk of seeing such people.

Over Thanksgiving break, I walked into my local Target and immediately saw someone from my old high school that I would be forced to converse with if I took 10 more steps inside the store. So naturally, I turned around and left as quick as possible and went to the next-nearest Target, where I took my chances (again) of seeing someone I have zero interest in seeing/speaking to/existing near.

Moral of the story: if you have to leave your house, make sure the risk of seeing people you really don’t want to is worth it. Things worth that risk include: Double Stuf Oreos, a Speedway slurpee, food that cannot be delivered, the Redbox 24 hour $1 rental movie thing found at all Meijer stores (and sometimes Krogers), and more batteries for your dead Wii controller.

Also, if you leave your house, you might be forced to change out of your PJs in order to look “presentable” in public. How horrible does that sound? As if that wasn’t bad enough, leaving your house means you’re nowhere your bed or couch in case of an emergency nap. Unacceptable.

Yes, I have been watching Chopped for 10 hours, so what?

To all those who will argue this is a waste of a break: I respect your opinion but you are 100% wrong. It’s not a waste, it’s therapeutic. It’s me recharging before I’m forced to converse with people like you again. It’s me getting my life together before I inevitably lose it to homework and exams again on campus. It’s me living my dream — my introverted dream.