Everything you need to know on your first spring break trip to PV

As a student at the University of Michigan, there are a few things you’re terrified to ask your parents. “Can I have more money for Blue Bucks?” “If I major in psych, will I have any job opportunities after graduation?” “How do you get Sharpie off of your skin?”

But what’s the most heart-stopping question a Michigan parent NEVER wants to be asked? “Can I go to Puerto Vallarta for spring break?”

Puerto Vallarta, Mexico: Also known as a cess-pool of extremely questionable guacamole, unintentional sun (and alcohol) poisoning, and various opportunities for terrible decision making. This spring break spot is where 500+ University of Michigan students, mostly sophomores, go for 7 days of classic college shenanigans — which will be amplified at roughly the same rate as your dollars-to-pesos conversion.

We asked various juniors and seniors to share valuable advice for sophomores going on their first PV excursion — here’s what they offered. Oh, and if you meet a man named Pepe, you’ve been warned.

1. Keep in mind that the coke is actually meth, but do it anyway.
2. Eat the burritos outside of La Santa and don’t EVER eat the burritos at the hotel.
3. Don’t go to Candy’s Strip Club alone.
4. When you’re at La Santa, grab a mop.
5. The pizza place has the best wifi in Mexico.
6. No matter how fucked up you are and how much you’re throwing up, you can get a shot of adrenaline in the ass cheek and be immediately cured.
7. Pepe, “the drug lord,” is a goddamn legend.
8. Don’t poop in someone else’s bed 6 hours into the trip.
9. Don’t try to engage in sexual activities in the ocean. I got sea urchins in my feet.
10. When your body starts shaking uncontrollably, you should probably take a night off.
11. When the Mexican hotel staff puts you in a wheelchair because they think you’re too drunk, just embrace it.
12. Ashing cigarettes out on your arms sounds cool in theory, but is actually a horrible idea.
13. Do not befriend Pepe. Or befriend Pepe if you want to experience the Mexican drug cartel. Your decision.
14. Blue pill, not green pill. Don’t quote me on that one.
15. The fine system is completely random — a cup falling off of your balcony can be anywhere from 100 to 1500 pesos.
16. If you take your shirt off in the club, they will tell you to put it back on until your third time removing it — then you get kicked out.
17. You’re better off smoking parsley than the weed.
18. Don’t let everyone watch you get railed out in the pool at the villa.
19. Throwing up outside of a nice steak restaurant is surprisingly not looked down upon.
20. Someone will make their Instragram caption, “When I die, bury me in La Santa.” If you ain’t first, you’re last.
21. Do not hysterically cry in Prime Steak House.
22. Pay the DJ in La Santa 500 pesos to play Zombie Nation and yell “WE ARE TKE” with the entire club.
23. Don’t eat the guacamole.
24. No matter what the Lehigh boys tell you, it’s not pure cocaine.
25. Shower before napping.
26. Don’t be the idiot that blacks out and gets a Mike Tyson henna tattoo on his face and then realizes he has an interview the next week.
27. Bungee jumping off of a Mexican cliff with a guy who speaks no English is a smart way to spend $50.
28. Steal an OXXO jacket. You won’t regret it.
29. Always carry around a spare tire. I got stuck on the side of a Mexican highway with two passed out friends and a cab driver that didn’t speak a lick of English.
30. Anti-diarrhea pills.
31. Never get sober. Sobriety is the enemy in PV.

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32. On a serious note, pack your own breakfast (i.e. granola bars, nuts, cereal) and go lay by the pool from 9 – 11am before they start serving drinks.
33. There are two types of people in PV — those who rage the entire time and have the time of their lives, and those who tan in the mornings.
34. Put cab money in your bathing suit tops.
35. Refer to the pizza place as NYPV.
36. Always stay 20 minutes longer. But that’s just general life advice.
37. Don’t take your sister’s Ray Bans without asking her and lose them on the first day in the ocean. Wait, I think it was the ocean?
38. If you think you’re being approached by the cartel, you are being approached by the cartel.
39. Take the stairs.
40. The cabs to the villas are ridiculously expensive in cash, so plan for that.
41. Do not sober up.
42. Breakfast actually is the most important meal of the day because it is the only time edible things are served. Ask for huevos fritos and a quesadilla.
43. Leave your dignity at home.
44. You’ll think the pizza tastes good, but that’s just because it’s so hot that it’s burning your taste buds. It’s actually fucking terrible.
45. Don’t pack clothing.
46. Hook up with seniors in packs so you don’t have to cab home from villa alone in the morning.
47. Don’t be ashamed of getting a shot in the ass.
48. Don’t fall asleep in the villas.
49. Fall asleep at the villas so you can eat their gourmet breakfast.
50. Prepare to pay 50 dollars for “lost” hotel property they never gave you in the first place.
51. Prepare to pay $100 if caught making out by the pool post-La Santa.
52. The medic is not a medic. He’s a drug lord.
53. Don’t get a guy you’ve hooked up with once’s name henna tattooed on your body at the beach. It’s more permanent than you think.
54. Don’t be surprised when you see workers aggressively sweeping your feet with brooms at the clubs. Apparently it’s a thing.
55. If you don’t get a burrito outside of La Santa, why did you even go to PV?
56. But actually, fill up on the burritos outside of La Santa since nothing else is edible.
57. Don’t be that girl that works out in PV.
58. Bring your Burt’s Bees to La Santa. The workers looooove to beez.
59. PopTarts and Quest Bars.
60. Avoid returning to the US with strep throat, pink eye, a fever, and a sinus infection.
61. If you aren’t allowed to go, just remember it’s because your parents love you.