What we overheard at the Winterfest darties

Winterfest, a philanthropy event held by Alpha Sig and Pike at the University of Michigan, is an annual broomball tournament held to raise autism awareness and support the Autism Alliance of Michigan. The Michigan Greek Life Community raised over $60,000 in donations, making it one of the most successful philanthropy events on the U of M campus.

Apart from the amazing triumph Alpha Sig’s philanthropy gained for the autism community, the students at Michigan celebrated the campus event and unusually beautiful weather with day parties galore. “Darties,” as we call them, can be defined as football tailgates minus the maize and blue, and plus sunshine and (even more) Smirnoff.

I bopped from darty to darty, then to Winterfest, then to the next darty, and took note of a few things I overheard Michigan students say. The following is to not be associated with the Winterfest philanthropy event, Alpha Sig, or Pike… but with the magic formula of booze, 60 degree weather in February, and general college debauchery.

1. “Do you have any gum? My breath smells like marijuana and Skittles.”
2. “The first thing I thought this morning was, ‘I have no food left, so I’m going to use Winterfest as an excuse to drunk-eat lunch on South U with Jamie.'” (As in me, Jamie, by the way.)
3. *Pointing to a stranded, booze-filled backpack leaning up against a tree* “Never leave your luggage unattended!!!! If you spot any unattended luggage or bags, report to airport security immediately!!!!”
4. “Help me find another drink. I need to keep drinking — my hangover from last night is setting in.” 
5. “Who the hell finger-banged your neck like that?”
6. “Let’s go to Main Street tonight and pull some 28-year-olds.”
7. “Can we pull 28-year-olds at Mongolian Barbecue? I really want Mongolian Barbecue.”
8. “Is there a bomb in that bag over there?”
9. “I feel as though we are good enough friends to have deep conversation, but not good enough friends that we can hook up still.”
10. “What are you talking about? You are totally friend-zoned.”
11. “Is it just me, or does the slush (previously the ice on the Winterfest rink) look like the perfect consistency for a Natty Light Slurpee?”
12. “I have wiped out in this mud probably 5 times so far today.”
13. “You’ve wiped out because you’re wearing stupid Reef Shoes, you San Diego shit!”
14. *Upon showing a brutally scraped knee* “Yeahhhh… I lost a lot of blood, but it may work in my favor because maybe my BAC will go down a bit.” 
15. “I think that guy’s dad was hitting on me last night.”
16. “I think I was hitting on that guy’s dad last night.”
17. “Drunk eating sushi is kosher right? And I mean like, safe-to-do-kosher, not Jewish-diet-kosher.”
18. “This (Winterfest) game looks like the most dysfunctional high school gym class.”
19. *Girl takes painful fall on the ice* “That looks like me in my high school gym class.”
20. “I have taken pulls from almost every Crystal Palace handle handed to me with the hopes that I get the Norovirus and potentially get skinny for spring break.”
21. “If you come to Maize N Blue with me, I won’t make fun of you for watching The Bachelor for a full week.”
22. “The 86 (at Maize N Blue) should realistically be called the 69. Much more accurate.”
23. *Yelling at cashier, slurring her words* “I ordered the 29 five minutes ago and it still isn’t ready.”
24. *Not looking up from the register* “Maybe that’s because you ordered it five minutes ago.”

    Note: This is not the girl mentioned in #23

25. “I get that it’s 62 degrees out, but did that guy buy his shirt at Baby Gap?”
26. “I know I said I wouldn’t text him, but is a Snapchat message okay? Whatever, I’m doing it anyway.”
27. “There is no way I’m going back to Pike. That mud outside the rink was like a sewer Slip N’ Slide.”
28. “I would do such dirty things for the pickle that came with your sandwich. Can I please have some of your pickle?”
29. *A visiting father overhearing this comment* “I wish I was in college again.”