A norovirus battle hymn for those still trapped in the dorms

To the few left to read this, U of M was devastated this past weekend by the norovirus, forever changing the culture of the school. There have been spikes in the sales of Vitamin C, hugs are now eyed with suspicion, and even the crows seem more restless than usual. But the horror isn’t over yet, claim the few students who remain, clustered around Purell trying not to breathe. From East Quad, one of the two directionally-named dorms to have emerged from the outbreak, students tell tales of the food rationing that may have saved their lives.

The responsibility of entering “danger zones” was placed into the delicate hands of the few remaining.

And that which was infected was purged.

What was once ample had to be rationed.

And choice proved to be too dangerous.

However, this is not solely a tale of decimation, of empty pictures of South Quad and roommates being med-evaced. From the merciless environment of East Quad grows a new cry of resistance.

So put on an instrumental version of Frozen’s “Let It Go”, belt it out, and wash your damn hands!

Chrome glows bright in the café tonight,

Not a salad bar to be seen

A kingdom of isolation

And it looks like I am clean.

Students howling like this swirling storm inside

They couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows they tried!

Don’t let them in, don’t let them breathe

We’ll be safe here, inside this quarantine

Conceal, don’t feel, don’t hug your bro

Or the virus will grow!

Fight Noro, Fight Noro,

Hide away from the bowel no-no,

Fight Noro, Fight Noro,

Now’s your chance for single!

I don’t care

What they’re going to say

Let the crows take the carrion,

Didn’t want to be skinny anyway!

It’s funny how with distance

It doesn’t seem to smell at all

And the fear that once controlled me,

Still grips the dining halls.

It’s time to see what I can do,

X-Files revival, the premiere of Broad City too,

FOMO, Oh no! No UHS for me.

I’m free!

Fight Noro, Fight Noro,

Watch another med-evacuee

Fight Noro, Fight Noro,

You’ll never get to take me!

Here I stand,

And here I’ll stay?

Let the crows take the carrion!

Netflix and Chill buddy in South Quad is still around

Is worth going into the virus’s hunting ground?

And suddenly I think I might be unwell,

I’ll just sing “The Victors”

And bathe again in Purell!

Fight Noro, Fight Noro,

And I’ll hide my pain on yikyak

Fight Noro, Fight Noro

Take refuge in The Tab

Here I stand

For at least another day…

Let the crows take the carrion

Didn’t want to be skinny anyway!